2002-10-13
Red Dragon, posted at 10:24 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I went to see Red Dragon this afternoon with Teri, her friend Lisa, and Renee.The movie was about what I expected it to be: a mediocre, pretty rote thriller that just didn't do it for me. Even though it was a "prequel," it all felt just like a sequel - and a tired sequel at that, not a sequel like Addams Family Values or The Empire Strikes Back. There were a lot of good actors involved, and that helped somewhat, but you just couldn't help but to compare it with the far superior The Silence of the Lambs. Edward Norton is good, but his scenes with Hopkins don't crackle like the scenes with Jodie Foster did. Anthony Hopkins could play Hannibal Lector in his sleep if he wanted to. Ralph Fiennes is okay, but his villain pales in comparison to Buffalo Bill. It's all just got a "been there, killed that" sort of feel - pretty disappointed.
You know, there are times when I hang out with Renee that make me feel like I've missed the boat with her - that we could have ended up together. It could still happen, I suppose. In a lot of ways, she's perfect for me. In a few other ways, she's not. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty confused about our relationship right now.
I have no problem forming meaningful friendships and platonic relationships with the opposite sex (see: Hugasoul, Gale, and Eleanor). I have no problem finding others to have a little fun with every now and then. It's that middle ground - transforming a friendship into romance, or even dating in a traditional manner - that I suck at. I've never been good at it. The new body hasn't helped that. I'm still too guarded, too choosy (I often feel like I'm Chandler in that episode of Friends where he chastises himself for always being too picky with women), too set in my ways. I'm too doggedly determined that fate will intervene, that something will naturally develop for me.
Has anyone watched that Good Morning Miami show? I was overhearing it the other day - I was at the computer - and it seems like the lead character and I have certain similarities. There were lines like, "A woman has to practically throw herself at your feet for you to know she's interested in you." I guess I feel like this - a lot. Eleanor - one of the strongest, most independent-minded females I know - says she's starting to get to know this guy in one of her classes. They're hanging out, studying together in cafes and stuff. But she says, "It's just a friend thing, until something happens." This is my view, too. But who does that something? The guy all the time? I never signed on for that rule.
I sometimes prefer things at some club, bar, or the Internet, where it's clear where things are headed and no one expects anything more or less. But fun is no substitute for emotion or connection.
I need to stop making excuses. I have to learn to take risks, to face fear, and to live more fully. I need to have a plan to get out of debt, because it's sucking at my insides (just got two loan rejection letters this weekend, so that's on my mind too).
I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I've got it better than 90% of the rest of the world. I need to get my cell phone turned back on so I can begin to feel connected with my friends again. I need to figure out why I'm a single guy with no kids who makes $36,000 a year, yet I have never have money and bounce checks and am so deep in debt that I see no way out. I need to smile. I need to remember what it was like in the woods, and how refreshed I felt when I returned.
I need to go to bed.