2002-04-18
Diary of an Emotional Idiot, posted at 8:39 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I had an interesting conversation with Hugasoul last night.Our 70-minute phone conversation went from the usual convo-arguments about entertainment stuff (she says Ben Affleck hasn't made a good movie since Good Will Hunting, while I would argue that both Bounce and Changing Lanes were pretty decent), when suddenly the conversation got more personal. At the end, she said she felt like she learned more about me last night than in any other conversation we've ever had.
The thing is, I don't consider myself necessarily to be a private person. I long for people to know me, to ask me questions, to discover what makes me tick. I think I answer openly and honestly.
This is complex, and I'm not sure if I know how I feel about it. I used to consider myself to have something of a bubbling cauldron of emotional turmoil below the surface - this would be during my depressed days around June-December 1999. I snapped out of it in January or so, and since then have been steadily increasing my self-confidence and love for life. Today, I still feel like I'm a complex person, but not one with many issues. Last night was the second time I've been accused of not sharing enough of myself, to which I reply, "What do you want me to say?". Why does everyone assume I have a whole lot of issues? Why can't I just be happy-go-lucky Epiphany, with no need for a catharsis or therapy?
This is not to say I don't have issues, but I don't think they're necessarily unique. Yeah, I still lack self-confidence in certain areas. I wish that someday my body can actually be considered good, not just healthy for someone born with fat genes or compared to how I used to look. I definitely identified with Ms. Boombastic's comment today that she's 24 and feels a bit like life is passing her by. I'm single and have no prospects for marriage at this point in my life - this definitely causes a little bit of angst and anxiety. I'm concerned with the fact that I haven't had what I would consider one healthy romantic relationship in my life.
But these are issues I think a lot of mid-20 somethings feel, and I think I discuss them pretty freely. What I'm careful about not doing is putting people in bad positions by revealing things that affect or involve others. But even that "holding in" is very minimal.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. This is the sort of over-the-top self-analysis that I try to avoid. I just don't think it does much good. Maybe I'm being to stereotypically a "guy's guy" - something I haven't been accused too often of being - as I'm somewhat restrained about the big catharses, and somewhat guarded about letting emotions flow. I'm someone who will probably never see a therapist, for example. I thought about it, during the dark days, but never did. And I'm glad I didn't. I got through it on my own. This is not to say that I think therapists are bad, but I feel like working the issues out on my own - through writing, for example - is more effective for me. Call me old-fashioned.
And, now, I don't think I have too many issues. My life is really good. It's busy, but not in a way where I'm burying myself in my work to hide from real issues. I'm still figuring things out, but I also feel like almost everything in my life is out there on the table. Take it or leave it.
The point is, I don't think I'm hiding things. Yeah, I'm still guarded on some things, but isn't everybody? Isn't that only natural?
Perhaps this is why I'm drawn to art so much. I do enjoy to view catharsis, through a really good movie (Magnolia is a very cathartic viewing experience for me) or a really good musician (the best Brenda Kahn stuff does it for me). But catharses, or epiphanies if you prefer that term (I do), are more of a slow build. And more often than not, they are internal - yet they're not unique. For example, the moment I decided to move to Baltimore was a cathartic epiphany that occurred looking across the harbor. It was internal, but not some sort of big secret. There's a difference.
I'm feeling like this is a pointless entry, and that I've spent way too much defending my perceived emotional unavailability. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I'll become more of a crier, more of a sharer. But I guess I just don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Is that a bad thing?