Friday, Feb. 25, 2005
Shitty shit, posted at 10:08 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Four years ago, I taught with a force of nature named Joan, a huge, nearly bald, black woman who filled up a room with her presence and her voice the moment she walked in. Kids respected her a great deal, and I did as well. I used to eat lunch with her and a couple other colleagues every day. It was exactly like I liked it - I didn't have to say much, I could sort of sit back and observe and be enthralled by their - mostly her - presence. Joan was a grand storyteller with a cutting sense of humor and a laugh that soared into the air. I miss her.One day, she told of the reason grocery stores in Baltimore run out of toilet paper when there is a snowstorm. No, it's not necessarily because people are worried about being inside for too long. It's because people want to spend some time when they're inside "cleaning out the pipes." Joan was a church-going woman, so I knew she wasn't talking about masturbation, nor did I think she was talking about plumbing. She went on to say that an item that also often ran out at grocery stores during snowstorms, but not reported on the local news, is laxatives. People take the time during a snow day or two to shit as much as they possibly can.
As a 24-year old green out of college, I couldn't appreciate that much. Just like I couldn't appreciate a joke I remember from a lame sitcom years ago, in which Matt Frewer comes downstairs and says what a great day he is having, because he has just taken a dump that Beethoven would be proud of. I couldn't relate. All my dumps seemed to be pretty good.
At 27, though, I've come to an age when they're not all great. In fact, some are downright shitty. After about a month of those shitty shits, I became intrigued by teh idea of cleaning out the system a little bit. I heard James Brown on Howard Stern talking about colon therapy, how it made him lose 20 pounds and his stomach doesn't stick out anymore - that's how much crap he had in there. I don't think I could ever submit myself to that sort of thing, and the thought of something like an enema just grosses me out, but then a post by DaBrettman got me thinking even more about a cleanup job. The reason is, for all of my career so far, I've been on a one-bowel-movement every day, in the morning, schedule. But getting up early for the gym on some days and other days sleeping in and having to get ready in twenty minutes have taken over that time, and I'm not regular any more. Lately, I've been feeling backed up, and honestly don't remember the last time I had a real satisfying poo.
Anyhow, last night, when coming home, I stopped off at the 24-hour SuperFresh up in Towson and picked me up some Milk of Magnesia. I had the bubble guts all night, but woke up in the morning, expunged it all, and feel much better. Obviously I was counting on another snowday; otherwise this might have been a pretty embarassing morning. But I feel pretty good, and I don't think I'm finished just yet.
If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom. I've lost five pounds already, by the way.