Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Shit Cycle, posted at 12:17 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Yesterday morning, I woke up a bit late and didn't step out the front door until 7:34 pm. The ticket lady was there, though, issuing me a ticket. I decided to just go back into the house instead of moving it - why move the car when I already have a ticket?Today, after my second day off in a row, I pulled into work at the restaurant. All signs in my head thought it was Saturday. I usually work on Saturday nights, and all day had felt like a Saturday. I thought that I'd go see the Polish Girl at her second job after work; she bartends on Saturdays. Therefore, I did not think to feed the meter. In fact, I didn't even consider it. I received a parking ticket at 5:30pm; the meters go until 6pm. The car was right in front of the restaurant, yet none of us saw the meter maid in time.
That's fifty dollars in parking tickets in two days. I'm way too laid back about money, generally, but at one point today I was so boiling mad at myself that I had to excuse myself to another room. I felt myself getting hot, like I wanted to lash out at the world. But it's just myself I'm pissed with, not the world.
I say I want to buy a house. I do. Even if I end up leaving Baltimore soon, I think I could turn a nice profit on this house if I can buy it quick enough. I have applied to two mortgages companies and something might come of fruition of that by the next week. But I have no savings and don't see how I can get any in the near future. And it's stupid shit like $50 in parking tickets in 36 hours that prevents me from getting ahead.
It's like a shit cycle. I can't get my shit together because I keep doing stupid shit, and I can't stop doing stupid shit because my shit isn't together enough. (Ironically enough, I'm incredibly constipated right now.)
It's improved a bit, but my life remains a disheveled swirl, and I'm unable to find toehold enough to get out of it because I remain a fantastically inefficient person. I'm an enigmatic dreamer; I'm like the Democratic Party - my message and intent are good, but I'm not organized or focused enough to do what needs to be done.
I ended up putting a happy face on the situation by the end of the night. After tip out and parking ticket, I still came out $41 ahead for the day. For six hours of work, that's not terrible, especially since it's the only six hours of work I've worked over the last two days, save for a little bit of lesson planning at home.
I wish some of these journal entries would end with an epiphany, like a good poem does. There isn't one here. I'm still kicking myself right now, but what am I going to do about it? Well, I'll probably go and spend that $41 I made tonight at a bar or three tomorrow night, when my good friend Neil comes into town. In fact, I'm thinking of starting in the early afternoon, after a brunch with some colleagues at 11 (who's joining me?) Will that help me get ahead, help me get out of the shit cycle? Nope. But it will probably make me feel better than I feel tonight.
What I'm also not telling you is that I bought plane tickets today to take me away to Florida for spring break. It's my first ever spring break traveling elsewhere. Yes, first ever. My grandparents, both almost 80, still are living large, and I'll stay with them for half of the time, catching a spring training game or two. I'll also spend a couple days with my college roommate Jason, who lives a couple of blocks from SeaWorld in Orlando. I fly out on Good Friday and get back on Wednesday. I'm pretty proud of myself for buying a ticket away; travel is something I don't do enough of, and my grandparents are not getting any younger.