Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004
Life is busy and somewhat mediocre right now., posted at 3:47 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm really a happy person. Really. I consider myself an idealist, an optimist. I just tend to write more when I'm unhappy, which certainly isn't unique but is making this journal a bit of a big whine.This week has been a struggle, I'll admit. I'm stressed out by my home situation, and don't want to see my roommate at all. The one who is screwing me over. I clench my jaw in the morning when I hear him stirring upstairs, because I don't even want to catch a glimpse of him. It's stressing me out terribly, because one's home is supposed to be a haven, and right now it's anything but.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm so stressed about that. I mean, it's not me who is in the wrong. He is totally and royally screwing me over. But, I don't want to even see him. It should be the opposite, and I'm not sure why it is.
There's a part of me that is really anxious about my house concert this weekend. Doria Roberts is coming and I've got probably 20 reservations already. I've got people asking me how to get here from DC on public transportation and people who are regulars or people who saw herlast May and became fans. It's all very cool and I'm excited, but I think I can officially say that this guy I'm living with is unstable and I'm not sure if he'll do anything or not. Plus, there's also a certain irony in me having a house concert during the same week when my colleague offered me a place to stay because, "It's so sad to see such a nice person in the turmoil that you're in. Our homes need to be a place we can escape, and it's not for you. Our whole third floor is open, come stay with us anytime you need to get away."
I'm also a little anxious that no one will show up, that my house won't be clean, or that someone will walk in and walk out because my house is so gross. But, Baltimore, if anyone wants to go to a cool, let me know. Doria is really good, and I'm sure seeing her right before the election will be amazing.
My job is wearing me out, too. The pace I am keeping is blistering. I now sit in my classroom at my desk with 40 students stuffed in here watching the film version of A Lesson Before Dying. It's really great and I'm happy and everything, but, wow, I'm tired and a colleague just came in asked me if I was feeling alright, that I'm looking pale. I think I feel okay, but I'm just exhausted and there's no way I can keep this up all year like this. Having 170 students at once is insane, and it's something that I see no reason for. Some of us teachers are planning a revolt of some sort after things settle down, and I'm looking forward to hearing what the vets think is the right way to proceed.
I felt like I wasn't the best teacher in the world last year, and thought I could do it this year with healthy eyes and less work at the second job, but I feel like my schedule is working against me and that's a sucky feeling. And it's especially hopeless because the schedule was forced upon us and it's not needed (the semester schedule worked fine; this A/B shit is unneeded and hurts the kids more than helps them).
So, yeah, I'm tired. I was originally scheduled this week to go on a date tonight, but I'm at school until 6pm and then really need to get home and clean up for Saturday night, because I work tomorrow night and Saturday day before my house concert.
I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in a long time.