Monday, Sept. 13, 2004
A punch in the stomach, posted at 11:19 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com The problem when one of the principles with which you live your life is the belief that people are basically good and will do the right thing is that you are let down when they don't. Let down is too weak of a word, actually. You're crushed. You feel like you've been hit in the stomach. You feel a little ill. People just should do the right thing and you're just not sure how to do deal.Tonight, my roommate who I have lived with for a year and nine months told me that he is moving out on Oct. 6. He is giving me three weeks notice. It was not a pleasant conversation. He can't believe he continues to live in this shithole, he says, and he added up how much rent he's paid the woman who owns the house in the last 21 months, and just can't believe. If he has to move into his parents' basement, he will.
It was not a pleasant conversation. I just took it in, because I could feel the fight rising up within me and didn't want to snap back because he has all the power. See, he pays the rent to me and I to the landlord. He's never dealt with the landlord. I do not have a deposit from him, although I do have a 21-month old check from him that probably he's cancelled by now. I wonder why I'm such an idiot sometimes.
Anyhow, he's not going to pay me rent for October, and there's nothing I can do about it. This is on top of the news today that my rent check for September bounced because it was run through on 9/9 instead of 9/10, when it was dated and when my first paycheck came in. I was so furious about that that I immediately tried to call the bank. But my roommate had borrowed my houseline and not put it back on the charger, so it was not working. I feel so powerless when I call the bank, though, because they put you through a whole series of voicemail hell and I don't understand the paperwork they send me.
Anyhow, I feel dejected. I'll try to have a conversation with the guy tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to talk some sense into him. That it's not my fault that the house is not that nice, and he's screwing me over royally if he leaves me without money to pay rent for the month of October. But, as it is, it looks like I'll be paying October rent alone, which completely sucks. I'm so unhappy right now and have been all night because I was so excited about buying a house, but now I don't know how I'm going to even get ahead in my current bills, and the house thing seems like a distant mirage. And I'm not even sure if it's ethically sound to get a roommate in this rental right now if I know I'm house shopping. I have a friend looking for a roommate, but she nixed the idea of me moving in for a spell because she thinks her two dogs won't get along with my cat and my dog. I feel bad for even asking. I was just looking for a temp spot.
I feel stung. I don't know why. It shouldn't even be that big of a deal. But I was so excited about the house. And my life seems to cling to bits of bad luck, so much so that my colleagues at work have taken to calling any piece of bad luck an "epiphany moment," with "epiphany" being my last name.
I expect a lot from people. That's why I think I'm an effective teacher here in the city. I don't care that the kids are poor or that they're black or that some have to take three buses to get to me in the morning. I won't let them or anyone else make excuses for not performing. My expectations are high and I expect them to meet them. That's why I spent all day today calling parents. It's the same thing in my real life. I expect people to do the right thing. And it gets me burned every now and then, like Atticus Finch was burned by the evil of Bob Ewell because he didn't expect it. Everyone has their blind spots. I do, certainly. I just wish the world would let me get by with my blind spots for just a few months without shittiness coming up again and again.