Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004
Insufferable navel gazing or Insightful self reflection., posted at 10:08 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com My dad has offered to fly down and be with me when I go on trial. I'm not sure if I'm going to take him up on it or not. It'd be nice just to see him, but I hate the circumstances. It is nice to have the offer of support around here, though.If this last year has taught me anything, and I'm not sure that it has, it's that I really can go it alone. It's just not very fun. Shit has sailed at me from many different directions in the last 12 months, but I've handled it for the most part. I've lost some things - my health has deteroriated a little, my optimism is slightly dimmed - and all I've gained is really a better credit rating and more financial security. I'd definitely trade the health and the optimism for that, in a second. It probably will be nice once everything is sorted out to have the financial ability to buy a house (target date: January or February, 2005), so hopefully that will be worth it. But I've gone at this year in many ways completely alone and separated, and, while I did it alright, it still isn't something that I want.
I did lean on my family for a bit with the eye thing, and they've helped out a bit financially (a loan, not a gift), but the geographical distance has been felt more this year than other years. The heart knows no distance, but the eyes do. People are nice here, but, if anything, friendships have lapsed a little in the last year. I've hit plateaus with friends where it just doesn't seem like there is anything else they can get from me. This isn't the case with all of them, but distance has been creeping in between my relationships here in Baltimore. It's made it tougher to get through this year, but this year is also probably why it's happened. I no longer have enough time to develop my social relationships because I spend all my time working, and I haven't had enough time to work on myself to be a fun person to hang around with when I can hang around.
Enough insufferable navel-gazing doofusness. Bottom line? I miss the person I was a year ago. I miss the guy who felt a part of it all, who felt connected to everybody, who laughed easy and often, who felt confident and full of life and love. I now feel out of the loop, passed by, an afterthought. I feel like I need to add an asterisk next to my head when I meet people. Like, despite the guy you see before you now, I used to be in shape, confident, with normal eyes and no glasses. Really, I was. I wasn't always this shy yet argumentative guy who squints with his fucked up eyes and wears baggy clothes. I was somebody.
That Epiphany of a year ago emerged during spring break week. I had time for myself, had time to work out, felt damn great. This past week, though, the Epiphany of the last year came, the one who is vaguely laconic, the one who pushes snooze when the alarm clock goes off for the gym, the one who is addicted to Cadbury Eggs (especially at post-Easter prices) instead of gym-induced endorphins.
I yearn for upheaval of my current state. I need to work less, to be happier, to be more relaxed yet more productive.
Tomorrow, the alarm clock will sound at 4:40 am. No snooze buttons allowed. I'm going to go the gym and kiss my own ass and let that feeling propel me all the way through the day. I need it.