Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
My god, where the hell did this entry come from?, posted at 11:26 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I spent tonight at The Haven Lounge, a great little jazz club in a strip mall near my house. If the neon lights were turned off, it would feel like I imagine a nightclub during the Harlem Renaissance to look - smoky, funky decor, loose jazz being played amongst the patrons, well-dressed clientele, mostly African-American. I enjoyed myself immensely. Hanging out with teachers is something that I tend to crave on weekends. Teaching can be such a lonely job - you pretty much go to your room and do your thing with the 14- and 15-year olds, and don't talk too much to your colleagues. This is especially true for me this year, as my lunch period is period 2 (10:00-10:30) and my planning period is period 7 (1:45-3:15). Most others have time off in between those times, so I miss the interactions in the English office. I'm getting much more done since I'm not spending my planning period talking, but it's also added to what overall has been my loneliest year in recent memory. I'm lonely because I'm working so much and have little time for the social interactions that I'd become accostumed to, and I'm also lonely because friendships I've had for years have dissolved or moved.Tonight was good, though. I wish I knew my colleagues a little bit better, in fact. We talked politics and school and college, and things felt really good. I should do that more often.
Right now, we're worried that our supervisor - whom we all trust and respect and has shielded us from a lot of crap at school - will not return because she's pregnant and due in August. I do hope she returns.
I caught up with Boston Betty, still one of my favorite people in the city. She left public schools this past year to go teach at a private school in the city, and she says she's been thinking about us. Despite my insistence that it wouldn't happen, my 2004 has started just about as badly as my 2003 was. To recount, in the last 12 months, I've received my first ever broken heart, I've had enormous financial strains, I've spent the school year running myself ragged by working two jobs and often logging work hours in the triple digits, I've had two fairly major surgeries on my eyes to save myself from going blind, and I'm being sued for $10,000 for a bogus dog bit incident. Two thousand and four was supposed to be the year to get out of it, but I was served those $10,000 papers this year and have lived most of the year in fear of getting a pink slip. The year isn't looking that great right now, so far.
Why do I do this? Look back at things and get sad? Boston Betty did it to me. Without me even bringing anythign up, she aks me, "When are things going to start looking up for you?". In the last couple of months, this is the sort of sentiment that I've encountered from friends all over. A colleague calls me the unluckiest man she's ever met. My eye surgeon introduced me to his resident doctor as "that unfortunate young man I was telling you about."
2002 was amongst my best year ever. I was svelte and felt confidence oozing out of me. I was having a good time, getting laid a lot and making up for lost time in college. Teaching envigorated me and I was sure I'd chosen the right job.
Right now, it's only teaching that envirogrates me, it seems. Workouts have become monotonous and sporadic, as I'm having a hard time getting back into it since my surgeries. I've gained about 15 pounds this year, and, while it probably doesn't show that much, I can definitely feel it, and feel the significant drop in confidence when I don't work out. I feel like I have no time to myself, no time to organize my life and do the things I want to do to better myself. I'm just not that happy right now, I guess. I'm stressing about things that I both can control but don't (the working out, the overworking at my second job), and the things I can't control (the lawsuit, the job uncertainty). I'm not doing a good job of separating the two, and need to figure it out.
But, really, I had a good time tonight.