Thursday, Jul. 24, 2003
Coming out of the closet as a broke man, posted at 12:26 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm back in South Haven now at my parents' home. The 12-hour drive afforded plenty of time for reflection, and my thoughts, of course, drifted back towards my financial mess. I've just spent the last hour or so doing some internet research, and there are strong opinions on either side about filing for bankruptcy. Heck, there are strong opinions on my guestbook.I'm still not sure. I don't feel like I'm trying to get over on anybody, or trying to duck responsibility. I've ducked responsibility for quite a while. Now I'm ready to take responsibility, because I don't feel like there's any other way to. I'm a hard worker with a decent job, and a while ago decided that I could never own a home because of my credit so I decided to not care. But not caring is too stressful. I want to own a home someday. I do. If this stays on for 7 years, then, what, I'm 32? I wouldn't be buying a home before then, anyhow. This might be the time to do it, rather then continuing to run from collectors.
It was mentioned that I should get rid of my car. If I could wave a magic wand and do that, I'd love to. The thought of living without a car is not only appealing financially, it's appealing for the because it would simplify my life a great deal. I'd save so much damn money. But, the problem is, I still owe thousands of dollars on it (haven't even been late on a payment until this month), and there's no way I can recoup that money, especially with the damage to the airbags. So I'd still be paying out the money every month until I paid off the car, and I'd probably still owe $3000 on the car even if I sold it. It's a nice car and still looks great on the outside, but the cost of repairing the airbags that the insurance company and the warranty both refused to do is over $3000. I'm guessing I'd still owe at least that if I got rid of it, which mean probably 9 months of car payments still. That might be doable, but it's not as easy as it seems. Has anyone ever done that before? Gotten rid of a car before you paid it off?
I don't even think I live extravagantally. I rarely spend more than $10 on a night out, and don't eat out very often. What the trip to Europe taught me is that I should eat out even less, so I've already decided that the only reason I'm going to eat out next year is if I'm going on a date. I'm going to leave my Internet off for a bit, too, unless I can get any new prospective roommates to share it with me. As for house concerts, I've never spent a dime on them and don't plan to start. The Europe was definitely a financial mistake, but I knew that going in and was talked into it by everyone around me. They were right. I needed to do it. It wasn't that expensive, and that's not why everything now is snowballing. It's all come to a head because I'm not working. Baltimore does not offer a 12-month contract and I do not save money well. But I've got to end that.
This is the first time in a while that I'm confronting my financial problems. I feel like I'm coming out of the closet as a broke man. When discussing financial matters in the past, people would try to make me feel better by saying things like, "everyone has debt" and I'd look around at everyone else having fun and taking trips (not one of my teacher colleagues has a summer job, and they're proud of it), and think I should too. It's faulty reasoning to be sure, but that's part of how I got here.
I haven't taken on any new debts, except for my car loan, since I moved to Baltimore. I haven't used credit cards since early 2001. I've tried to pay off the credit card bills like crazy, but couldn't afford both the credit cards and the student loans, and now I've got myself in a lot of trouble with those. I feel more responsible for the student loans, and feel like I might need to file bankruptcy so I can focus on them.
I'm still exploring the pros and cons of this. The thought of starting anew and ending this stress - my mom said she barely recognizes my voice any more, it's so addled with anxiety - is very tempting.
I pulled this from a website: Going bankrupt was the best thing I ever did. I just wish I had done it sooner. I was left after my divorce with a $30,000 debt. I tried paying it off for about a year and then I consolidated the payments through a credit counseling service and paid for about another year. I never put a dent in the debt, I only covered the interest. I was afraid to file bankruptcy because I thought it would ruin me financially. What I didn't realize was that I was already ruined financially.(I think I am) It would have lasted much longer had I not filed. Although the bankruptcy stays on your credit report for 10 years, I had good credit by 4 years post bankruptcy. Good luck, Danielle
That's one-sided, but I feel like that Danielle person. There are other people who said it didn't work for them, but it mostly had to do with the feelings of being worthless and the stigma of filing. I already feel both, and don't really feel like it could be worse. But I'm thinking about it.
The advice is appreciated.