2001-09-12
Catastrophe, posted at 8:31 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com While I'm sure my reactions or feelings are not all that unique, I wanted a record of them here. This is an event I'm sure I will remember 50 years from now.The school let teachers go home as soon as the building was evacuated of students. I felt much better after I got out of the school, which is high in elevation and seemed the sort of place that terrorists who wanted to make a big wave would try to attack (I'm sure lots of folks - anyone at a university, etc - felt this way too.)
I cried. A lot. First in front of some students. Then later at home, alone on the couch. The gamut of my emotions were as follows: shock, sadness, fear, relief, anger - and then a sureal mixture of all of them.
I couldn't process thoughts in my mind for the first several hours. A defense mechanism went off in my brain, and just couldn't compute the information. I was in a daze. My first reaction was to call my family. Even though they're all in Michigan and nowhere near where the tragedies occurred, I still wanted to talk to them, to give them reassurance that I, only 45 minutes from the Pentagon attack, was okay. And to figure out that they were okay. My sister, who never pays attention to the news, is the most shook up. She called my dad five times today after having to evacuate the nuclear power plant she works in in a matter of seconds. My dad, a police officer, is on special alert duty. My mom is a nurse and spent most of the day with her patients, crying. But they're all okay. I cannot conceive of the pain that the families who lost loved ones must feel right now.
Later, I was able to think about the tragedy, to break it down a bit. Here are some of the thoughts that were running through my head:
*It really pissed me off at how quickly we were to blame the middle east. We made that mistake with the Oklahoma City bombing, and apparently have not learned from our mistake. I know there's an urge to place a blame, but the newscasters - other than Dan Rather - seemed to be throwing all the blame on bin Laden. It may turn out to be him, but everything seemed presumptuous. And if it is him, I hope and pray that our reaction will be squared right at them, and not at all the law-abiding Arabs living here. There was already a caller in the morning radio show about how we need to kill all the "Habeebs and Habeebettes." Sickening.
*My first reaction was that the highjackers were militia members pissed off at the government and pissed off for the killing of Tim McVeigh - it was the three-month anniversary of his execution. Of course, this probably isn't the case, but if it is, I would hope it would bring a moratorium to executions in this country for fear they would continue to lionize whomever was executed.
*Perhaps the most sickening sight of the day was the crowds cheering on the east bank. Even if they hate America, it is incomprehensible to me that anyone can take delight in the fact that thousands of civilians were killed. Even if we are able to isolate who did this, and, as Bush says, "punish them," I will not be celebrating on their graves.
*How in the hell am I going to deal with this with the kids?
*I know this is definitely not a time for partisanship or politics. But, gosh, I really wish we had a President right now I had confidence in. Watching Bush last night, I felt like I was watching one of my students give a speech - I was pulling for him not to screw up and flub his lines. He was fidgety and just didn't convey a sense of strength for me. Me, and most of America, was crying out desperately for leadership and reassurance last night, and I don't think he provided it at all. If we're going to be stuck with a Republican President, the least we should expect is an Alpha-male/military type - a John McCain, a Ronald Reagan, or a Dwight Eisenhower, for example. Instead, we got a doe stuck in headlights. Thank god he's surrounded himself with the likes of Cheney, Rice, Powell, et el - I have complete faith in them. It's awful, but when the media reported Cheney's whereabouts last night but not Bush's, my first reaction was that, "Damn, don't let anyone know where Cheney is right now; I'd rather the terrorists know where Bush is, not Cheney." Notice that I did say that I was pulling for Bush, and I do honestly hope that he succeeds and makes this his triumphant moment. But I have no faith in his ability. I hope he proves me wrong.
*This seems superfluous, but I'm disappointed that the Emmys were cancelled this weekend. They're on Sunday, five days from now. A producer was quoted as saying something like, "We don't feel the country needs a comedy show during a tragic show like this." But I do. I think this country will be crying out for something to take their minds off this tragedy by the time Sunday comes around. I just found out that the executive producer and creator of "Frasier" was one of the folks on the planes, but I still believe we should have the awards. For example, I, for one, am desperately looking forward the Orioles game I'll be going to on Thursday night. I need to return to a sense of normalcy. I feel like I walked around in a cloud all day yesterday.
*Going off of that, I was glad that school wasn't cancelled today. My roommates were rooting for it, as was my lazy side, but in reality, we should be having school today. The kids - especially these city kids, who may not have the family structure and support that, say, I was used to - need the support structure of school to return to. Many parents said last night they would keep their kids at home, which is fine, but I couldn't imagine another morose day of staying at home with my roommates and watching the carnage on TV. As horrific as this event was, we can't let it cripple us. It will be vital for me - and all of us - to start to focus our thoughts and energies on comparatively trivial events. It is not possible or emotional healthy to direct all your thoughts on a senseless tragedy like this. We need to start worrying again about the less important things - like about how I'm still going to get a dog this week, about how Friday is my first paycheck, about the baseball game, about going out on Saturday night in the Fell's Point area, about going to see "O" sometime in the next few days - because our minds are not equipped for this sort of tragedy. And it's a good thing. Of course, the other argument is that a basic, brief interruption of everyday life is necessary out of respect for the victims. There's a balance there somewhere.
*The governor of Maryland looks exactly the mayor on "Spin City." That picture doesn't do the resemblence justice - he's also tall and skinny. The guy was on TV a lot last night after declaring a state of emergency here in the state. The state department received a well-founded threat that the terrorists had a list of buildings that they were going to blow up, and they included the World Trade Center of Baltimore and the capitol building in Annapolis. The mood in the city was very edgy last night - as everywhere, I'm sure. The city was pretty much evacuated, but not officially. Like I said last night, since my school is a huge one on a big hill, I was very glad to get out of it yesterday. If the terrorists wanted to make an impact in this city, a high school would have been a way to do it. Of course, I'm sure many people - anyone at a university, my sister working for a nuclear power plant - had the same emotions.
*It was very reassuring that the world seems back to normal today. There is some panic in some cases, but I must say that getting out and seeing people in the markets and the streets going about their business was a relief, especially after hearing about all the closures. It felt good to know that life continues for the living.
*I had such a sense of fear all night. It's been said so many times already, but it was a fearsome shock to know that our sense of security for living in this country was false, that we are just as vulnerable as the warring nations that seems worlds away while watching them on CNN.
*Hearing about lines and lines at blood donation centers, about all the volunteers risking (and losing) their lives, even the car that let me into traffic last night when we thought we were going to be the next city bombed - all these things gave me great faith in humanity after the hijackers did their best to vanquish it. Of course, this was balanced out a bit this morning when I heard that folks were already selling pieces of the World Trade Center on E-Bay.
*By the end of the night, after about the 8th hour of watching coverage, my roommates and I were finding humor in the broadcasts - about the reporter who said "literally" about 15 times in the span of two minutes, about the newscaster who asked the most mawkish questions I've ever heard on TV of a Congressman (he actually played footage of the events, then asked, "As a father, looking at this, and thinking about all the kids who lost parents, how does that make you FEEL?"), or about Dan Rather's awkward use of an Abraham Lincoln quote that didn't seem to make any sense at all, etc. Of course, they were balanced out by some tears whenever we heard those little human stories that I'm sure we'll be hearing for weeks, like the nurse who was talking to her husband in the trade center over e-mail when the plane hit, or the firefighter whose whole crew died except for him and he wanted to get the message back to his wife that he was alive and he loved her. Still, I was surprised at my seemingly quick ability to distance myself from the situation enough to chuckle at things about the broadcast.
*I was hoping today that the principal would lead us in song by singing "God Bless America" or at least by reciting the "Pledge of Allegiance" or something. I think patriotism should be on the rise here, as well it should be. No dice though.
*Our school just had a bomb threat. They pulled the fire alarm, which of course the first thing you learn in AHD training as to what not to do. I'll go talk to our principal to let him know. It took us outside for almost a half hour, and ate away most of my planning period. Of course, it wasn't real.
*I'm going to pray again tonight.