2001-06-28
Back in south haven, posted at 1:09 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm back at South Haven, in my parents' basement. It's wonderful.I no longer consider South Haven my home, and haven't for years. But this summer, I have been feeling more homesick for it than I have in a long time. This is probably because I simply haven't been here in at least a couple of months. Or perhaps because it's summer and that's the time of the year when I associate good things with South Haven. It's a tourist town with miles of sandy beaches on Lake Michigan, and summers here can be a lot of fun.
Anyhow, it's great to be back here. I arrived home at around 4, and was out on the boat with my dad by 5. It was just him and I - a nice time. We anchored off the beach in front of the resort that my sister works at, and gave her a call. She came out of the office and I swam out to her and said hi. The water was a little cool - 72 degrees (75 feels great) - but felt very refreshing. Most notable was how clean it was. Even at neck deep, I could easily see my feet. Apparently, zebra mussels - an ecological nightmare of sorts - have filtered a lot of the muck out of the water and it's now as clear as an ocean.
We swam for about half an hour, then came in. We saw the sun set over the pier, with the lighthouse towering over the skyline. It was breathtaking.
Being on the water was very calming. The lazy float up the harbor brought back floods of memories - feeding the ducks, the drawbridge, our little red house by the marina. I began to wonder why the heck I'm in East Lansing this summer, working a crappy job for $250 a week. I could get that working in South Haven. I don't eat the food. The room would be taken care of. I don't need the experience. Why am I busting my ass this last summer here in Michigan? I have no idea.
As I usually do when I come home, I scanned through my parents' e-mail to see the gossip of the family. I know, this is horrible. I do it anyway. My mother wrote to her best friend how hard it is to be excited for me because I'm moving, because she doesn't want me to be far away. Reading that really moved me. More and more lately, I've been feeling less and less excited about moving. Why do I get this idea that Baltimore, or Richmond, or wherever, is going to be inherently better than here?
On the banks of Lake Lansing the other day, Erin said something to be that struck me. The two of us had always talked about how excited we were to move away, yet she said, "I guess if I'm in Lansing the rest of my life, this would be a pretty cool part of it to live in." The comment surprised me. I inquired. She said, "The more I travel, the more I realize I really like it here."
Why am I moving? Heidi wants to move, and my dad and I were analyzing this decision of hers. "She thinks that moving will make everything fall into place, and make all her goals come into focus, but it won't," he said. I agree. She just got her cosmetology degree, and is already disillusioned by it and is thinking about college again. She thinks a move will help her realize what she wants to do. We both knew that this probably won't be true.
So why am I so anxious to leave? Yes, it's to experience something different, to see if Michigan really is the place that I want to spend the rest of my life. It's to escape the winter weather. It's to be near a place with more culture, more concerts, and more things to do. But am I also looking for something else? Am I hoping this new city will be an elixir to all my problems? All my issues? If I can recognize that this won't work in others, why can't I recognize it in myself?
Am I questioning my judgement only because the date keeps getting closer and closer? Am I just getting cold feet?
Anyhow, I'm loving being here at home. There, I called it home. Mom and I are spending the day at the beach tomorrow. I can't wait.