2001-03-26
Boston Public, posted at 10:01 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm watching more television this year than any year since high school. I don't think this is a bad thing; it gets me ready for bed and helps me stay on a regular, patterned schedule.This television watching still isn't that prevalent, although an addiction to Survivor II has resulted. The other guilty pleasure I have is "Bostom Public." It really a pretty mediocre show, with plenty of David E. Kelley's signature plots recycled. But like doctors and "ER" and cops and "NYPD Blue," I'm drawn to a show that depicts my profession.
It's really a pretty inaccurate depiction, but there are moments of startling truth that really grab me. Throughout the show, there has been a pervasive feeling of loneliness in all the faculty members. All are single. All live their lives basically for their students.
Today's episode underlined this point, as the one relationship on the show was broken off and a number of other characters uttered lines that showcased the longing they feel. I see a little bit of Harry Senet in me, the teacher who can't share things with people and lets the relationships he's in sputter. I mean, it's not that clear cut for me, but certainly part of my issues is this wall that I put around myself that no one - or few - can really get through. I am also drawn to Marla, my favorite character, who today basically admitted to her students that they are a substitution to the fantasy love life that she'll never have.
I hope I'm not drawn to Marla because that's the way I am. As much as I love teaching, I will not be fulfilled by that profession alone for the rest of my life.
This is part of the reason I long so much for a geographical change, so I can go somewhere where I have a clean slate, where I can live my life more fully now that I know who I am a bit more. It's so hard to recognize here whether I am who I am or whether I'm putting myself into the persona that people expect. Perhaps my whole desire for privacy - and that's probably a euphemestic way of saying that I fear real intimacy - is what is sheltering me so much, creating distance between the Mark I see, the Mark that everyone else sees, and the different Mark's I create for different situations.
I long for change. I'm basically a happy person, still in the best emotional and mental state of my lifetime. But something is not there, creating a sense of yearning that I have to fill someway or another.