2002-06-28
Call me Jared, except without the Subway, posted at 10:51 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Last night, I was culling through my VHS tape collection, and came across a video that said "(Epiphany) Teaching, ENG 401". I knew what it was - a videotape of my "practice-teaching" my college peers during my first Senior year of college - roughly three years ago.One voice in my head said not to put it in the VCR, that it would only bring about bad memories. But a louder, more prevailing, more curious voice won, and I stuck it in the VCR.
I could barely recognize the guy in front of the room. I was Fat, so Fat. Not big-boned, not pleasantly plump, not a little out of shape. I was fat. I so wish someone was there to shake me, to wake me out of the funk that I was in. In thinking back, that was the spring before the summer where I got depressed. It wasn't the weight that depressed me, I didn't think, but now I think it contributed more than anything else.
I hated myself, and it showed.
I'm now convinced that I wasted a lot of my time in college. True, I did some good things, made some great friends, and learned a lot. But looking at myself then and knowing what I felt like then compared with both my physical and mental health now, well... there's just no comparison. I wouldn't have been able to survive continuing on the path that I was taking.
This videotape wasn't even me at my fattest. It was recorded in March of 1998, and I didn't decide to get my ass in gear working out twice a week until August or so of that year. Even then, it was a slow, slow task and I skipped workouts a lot. I didn't get serious until August 1999. Now, 100 lbs later, I'm still not content, but I'm a hell of a lot happier.
Wanna know a secret? When I get down to 175 - if that ever happens - I'm going to send in before/after pictures to Men's Health magazine. If that happens, I'll share it with all of you, anonymity be damned.