2002-10-02
Oh yeah, plus I suck at soccer, posted at 10:16 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I was all ready to come home and write a pissy entry about my bad mood, but it's been alleviated with a little workout and a quick clean of the kitchen.My cell phone was turned off today because I didn't pay my last bill. I somehow accumulated hundreds of dollars onto my cell phone bill in August and September, and simply can't afford to pay it. I have no idea how my bill got that high (in the area of $150 for each month), but it did, and I got so frustrated when I received the bill that I crumbled it up and put it aside to stew over later. Ever since I got my phone, I've been saying things like, "I can't believe I lived that long without a cell phone! I don't know how I did it!" Well, I guess I'll know now. Hopefully my next paycheck, or the paycheck after that, I'll be able to pay for it.
I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate money. I feel like my debt is a labrynth, and the more I try to get out of it, the more I get stuck in it. So I just don't try. I've already conceded to the fact that my credit rating is screwed up and that I'll forever be paying off mistakes of a couple of credit cards with $5,000 limits that I got when I was 19. I'll never own a house. So what. There's nothing wrong with renting. My car loan rate is pretty bad, but I've heard worse.
I have no idea where to even start eliminating my debt. My credit card debt approaches five digits, and it's so depressing that I don't even open the envelope. I just ignore the messages from MBNA that say, "There's this wonderful opportunity that just came across my desk, and you really should call about the business you've had with our company since 1996!". I know I can't get out of debt, and I know my rating is already horribly screwed up, so why bother?
I know this is faulty reasoning. But I don't even know where to start. With my student loans? With my credit cards? I've never missed the important payments, like my car loan. It's the mistakes of youthful indiscretion with my credit card (I paid for a number of semesters with my credit card, as well as plenty of trips to the grocery store and plenty of bar tabs.) I haven't used a credit card in years, and pay what I can when the phone calls start getting really annoying. But, really, it pisses me off. It pisses me off that two credit card companies would give a $5000 credit limit to a 19-year old kid with no source of income. It pisses me off that I was stupid enough to think, "Oh, I'll be able to pay it off as soon as I get a real job." It pisses me off that other people feel like they've got a lot of debt, when it's nowhere near the amount I have. It pisses me off that I feel like I live fairly cheaply, without spending money on a lot of things many people and friends I know do (I've never been to Europe because I never could afford to. I hate paying more than $10 for a meal at a restaurant and rarely do. I have never bought a new piece of furniture. I have never owned a suit. I have never used drycleaning. I have never used a chiropracter and haven't been to a dentist or eye doctor in a couple of years.)
It pisses me off that it feels like the debt is following me wherever I go, always with his hands around my neck, squeezing whenever I feel like I'm breaking free.
I keep hoping for some sort of miracle. I was hoping that the New Year's of 2000 would cause some sort of computer glitch that would wipe away all my debts. I keep hoping that I have some rich relative I don't know about who is going to leave me a stunning inheritance. I hope I win the lottery. Otherwise, I don't see any way for me to overcome this mountain of debt.
I've thought about doing drastic things, like moving back home with my parents for a couple of years until I can pay myself off. Or, slightly less drastic, I could sell my beautiful car that I love and get something cheaper that wouldn't have payments over $300 and insurance over $150 every month. Or I could get a second job. The latter is something I'm seriously considering.
I need a bit of a break from this all. I'm glad I'm heading out to the mountains on Friday.
***
So I got a call from an old friend, and the message was this, "So... Eleanor says you've got all this stuff is happening to you and all this juicy stuff is in your diary! [sic - it's a journal :)] You've got to call me and tell me about it. I want the juice!" So I look at some recent entries for the juicy stuff, and don't see it. I called Eleanor and asked, but she wasn't home and hasn't returned my call. I find my life decidedly unjuicy. My exciting nights include trying to translate what different types of meows mean, lesson planning, and chasing my dog around in circles in the house. What gives?
***
I'm going to go and think about the beautiful girl who waited on me at Bally's. I think she was even flirting. She took my debit card, and acted like she would hand it back, then snatched it back and said with a grin, "I've got to make sure the signatures match." She waited for me to sign, held them up to the lights, turned both the receipts and card around, and said, "Okay, close enough!" She laughed, I laughed, and she handed the card back to me. Flirting? Perhaps. She certainly was attractive. She also probably couldn't buy a beer.***
Current musical obsessions: Still Bruce. The song "Atlantic City" and its line "I've got debts no honest man could pay" hit home tonight, as did the line "You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart" from "Dancing in the Dark". Both are damn great songs. The latter was his first #1 hit, and if you read all the lyrics, it's quite depressing. I think Bruce Springsteen, circa 1983, had many of the same feelings that I have. I also listened to a lot of Jill Scott today. Damn. That woman is amazing. What a poet. I'm willing to bet that I'm one of the few people in the world to have musical obsessions with both Jill Scott and Bruce Springsteen in the same day. Yes, I did a lot of night driving tonight, and with no cell phone, all my focus was on the music.