2002-09-05
Day Three, posted at 7:39 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com If I had to grade my days for the start of the year, here's what I'd do:Day 1: C+... I was far too tired, exhausted even... going over rules is boring, even though it's fun to see all the kids again.
Day 2: A... The rules worked because my classroom was a model of good learning yesterday.
Day 3: B... I woke up slow (took Ny-Quill last night in another effort to knock out this cold, and it zonked me all night and I didn't go in to the gym) in the morning, was looking at the wrong clock when I was getting ready, and got a slow start. I came in at 8:15 exactly, which is the time I have to contractually be there, but pretty much everyone gets there earlier. I had crowds of kids outside my door, and someone was in my parking spot. I was so caught by my supervisor. However, all was well - the day went okay, and my wonderful first period kids got busy in their seats as if nothing happened.
I have no fantastic stories today; it was just a good day. Things are running very smoothly, and I can't complain. I'm actually walking around during my free periods and after school and trying to help out new teachers - we have a bunch of them, and only one has taught high school before. I gave a couple of them emergency sub plans for no reason other than to help out. One colleague asked me to watch her teach and give her suggestions, a question that made me swell with pride (because I remembered where I was a year ago) as well as recoil in doubt about how I could possibly give someone tips when I have so little experience myself.
I'm really enjoying my supervisor, as well. She's just such a pleasant person. I bought my department office a cheap coffee-maker, and she made this big deal of thanking me on the department announcements and even ceremoniously made the first pot. We have such wars between the faculty and administration here that it is a rare and happy thing to have someone in a supervisoral position that is just plain old nice.
My cynical side tells me that it's still early, that there's plenty of time for her to turn to the dark side. My optimistic side - the one that generally wins out - informs me that she's just too nice a person to shift allegiance.
***
I'm feeling rather listless in my personal life lately. A couple of weeks ago, I was worried I was far too content with my life. I thought to myself, "Epiphany, you're ridiculously happy, yet you're 25, have no girlfriend, and don't even know if you're living in the right city. How are you ever going to get the things you want if you're so damn happy with the way things are? Don't you need dissatisfaction as a driving force in your life? You always have before!". Well, the feeling of contentment is no longer overwhelming. First of all, I'm suffering from a tremendous end-of-summer teacher money shortage. I literally have $19 to make it through until payday next Friday. With no credit cards, that's literally all I have. That means I really can't do much social until that time.
My new roommate is a great guy, but he's always gone; I never see him. There are times when I definitely enjoy the solititude that the empty house affords, but mostly I miss the bustle that it used to be. I miss the exhausted nights around the television, swapping stories about the day's kids. There's a pervading sense of emptiness here.
My doldrums extend to my lack of a relationship. I'm tired of it being far too easy to engage in empty hookups with almost-strangers when I'm paralyzed to pursue anything with those I truly have feelings for. My hands are tired of feeling like they need to be in a girl's lap, fingers interlocked with hers. I'm feeling a sense of longing right now akin to my sense of longing I felt last year in deciding to move from Michigan. It's a longing to for a relationship, for something deeper than the usual surface level that my relationships tend to hover at.
My solution? Perhaps an online personal. I flirted with the idea of doing it before, but never paid. But it's worked for a couple of my friends lately, so I might give it a whirl.
Or maybe I'll just continue to do what I do, but strive to not follow my instincts - to do things that the normal Epiphany wouldn't do. Try not to blow her off as someone I could only spend a little bit of fun with, nothing more. Try to approach girls who wouldn't stoop to just having a little bit of a fun for a night. Find someone who challenges me, who matches my blows with razor-sharp comebacks. Someone who amazes me with her unpredictability yet soothes me with her consistency.
My list of specifications is probably a bit more specific than this, which could be a problem. My friend Nate, back in Michigan, told me a friend gave him the advice to only approach women in his own weight class. Meaning, Sugar Ray Leonard wouldn't try to fight Mike Tyson, because they're in totally different weight classes. In other words, don't go for girls out of your league.
I'm not sure if I'm going to follow this advice. I don't want to settle. I might be overselling myself a bit, but I think I have a lot to offer a prospective partner. Something a friend of Hugasoul said to her made me feel pretty good. After meeting me for about the second time, she told Hugasoul, "Okay, how is he single? He's educated, he's got a good job, he's in shape, he's good-looking, he's a nice guy. I don't understand that at all!".
I don't either, Ashley. And I'm going to try to change it.
The problem is, when I meet a girl who wows me, who I think could be special, they do things like give me their number and say they're on their way to a vacation in the Caribbean and won't be around for the rest of the month. (Yes, that really happened!)
And I have nowhere near as much self-confidence in real life as I have when I'm writing a diaryland entry in my underwear, with my cat in my lap and my dog at my feet, almost ready to drop off to bed at 8:42pm. I still feel like Albert Brooks in Defending Your Life.
But as the quote on my door says, I feel like I need to quit watching the telly and pretending that life goes on forever.
At least I'll have plenty of time to think about it this weekend, as $19 isn't going to get me much action at all. It'll be a weekend of much-needed cleaning, and probably-not-as-much-needed pondering.