Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002
I love myself when I am laughing and then again when I am looking mean and impressive, posted at 11:38 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I was going to come to the library first today, because I haven't been online since early afternoon yesterday and was missing it. But I was running through the list of things that I need to get off my chest about this week, and decided the entry would just be too unhappy in tone, so I went to the gym and Trader Joe's instead. I do feel a bit cheered up.I'm not depressed or even very unhappy, but I definitely am feeling very frustrated in a lot of areas of my life right now.
I'm tired of everything I own breaking. I cannot keep nice things. My computer at home is broken. (Thanks to those who signed and gave suggestions... it's actually off at school right now, in the tech classroom, and kids are trying to fix it.) I took home my laptop this week, and the charger thing is broken, and now won't turn on at all. I'm really stressed about this, because all my grades are on it, not backed up, and progress reports are due on Monday. And it's not my freaking computer. I have no idea what I'm going to do here. I'm without a computer at all, though.
I'm tired of my beautiful car still having a split open steering wheel with an airbag hanging out, and a bent up dashboard panel with the other airbag hanging out. I'm tired of the stupid beeping in my car everytime I turn on the ignition telling me that the airbags are not installed. No shit, Sherlock. I'm tired of being too scared to call the insurance company.
I'm tired of my classroom always being so messy. I'm tired of students never leaving my room at all during the day, staying in during their lunch periods to get work done or ask me questions or just to hang out because I have acquired the reputation as the nicest freshmen teacher, a reputation that I'm not sure I want or even deserve since 15 kids failed my course first quarter and that I'm not sure that I want either. I'm tired of whiny students who I try to go out of my way for but who let me down by skipping on a 7th period Friday class. I'm tired of complaining about it, because I made my own bed and need to sleep in it.
I'm tired of being so broke that I'm scared to look at my account on-line for fear that another check bounced or that I hold my breath every time I'm at a store with my debit card, hoping it goes through. I'm tired of being in such a crummy financial situation that my financial advisor has to tell me "I've seen worse" to cheer me up and then suggests I borrow off of my retirement fund.
I'm tired of friends moving and not telling me their new addresses or phone numbers so when Christmastime comes around I have to track them down to send out cards. I'm tired of doing dumb stuff like leaving my Christmas letter on the copy machine at work so that my colleagues now know way more about me than I wanted them to.
I'm tired of always feeling so tired because I don't go to bed early enough and wake up before 5am every morning. I'm tired of falling behind in going to the movies. I'm tired of house concerts with artists that I don't know very well, like tonight's. I'm tired of stressing about whether people are going to show up or not.
Phew! That sure was whiny. Imagine what it would have been if I had written it before my workout.
Last night, I came home at around 8 after staying at school until 6 (on a friday night!) with students finishing up work. Afterwards, I went out for a quick Happy Hour with some colleagues to try to cheer myself up, and it did work. I drank Diet Coke and broke down the week with them. As teachers, we always have this tongue-in-cheek rule that we're never supposed to talk about work when we go out, but it never happens that way. Teaching is such an independent task, and it's easy to feel lonely or at the very least separated from your colleagues who you just see in passing or spend weeks at a time not seeing if they're on a different floor or department. I need to be able to break down the week with these friends, who I often feel are the only ones who really can understand what I'm going through.
However, this sort of conversation is what can result. This is myself, Andi, and Sunny (formerly "Kristin"):
Andi: "Yeah, I'm not sure how kids find out we live together (her and Kristin are roommates) because I've only told one student all year."
Sunny: "Who?"
Andi: "Jerell. He was in after school and I told him we were carpooling."
Sunny: "He's not someone you'd expect to gossip."
Andi: "But the next day, all the kids knew."
Epiphany: "It's not a big deal, though, is it?"
Andi: "No, not really. Hey, so you all had Melkia, right?"
Epiphany and Sunny: "Yes."
Andi: "I think she has a crush on Jerell."
Epiphany: "Oh, I know she does. She told me that he was her man."
Sunny: "Oh, that's just an expression they use."
Epiphany: "Well, that's good, because an old student said that about me the other day, and I just pretended I didn't hear, which is what I usually do when I hear something I don't quite know how to address."
Andi: "Well, Jerell and Melkia are both dating other people right now, but I think eventually they might date each other. It just hasn't worked out yet."
Sunny: "Well, wouldn't they make a great couple?"
Andi: "Yes."
Epiphany: "They're both good kids."
(More of this blabbering)
Sunny: "Hey guys. This is so sad. We are talking about the romantic interests of 16-year olds. We are sad human beings."
So, yes, talking about work does have its drawbacks. We spend more time analyzing our students' relationships than our own.
By the way, Sunny continues to just knock my socks off. This is embarassing to write, but last night at the bar, her neck looked so good. She is so laid-back and funny and cute. I think our relationship is too far platonic to go romantic, and I know that Nick also has designs on her. But. Damn. She is very cool.
I came home from the bar to find my laptop broke, Jesse sitting on the chair moping, a message from two prospective roommates saying they weren't currently interested, and a messy floor that desperately needs to be cleaned. I puttered around for a little bit, but realized that I was too unhappy and exhausted to be awake, so I went to bed at 9:15. It was wonderful and refreshing and I slept ten hours and have had a good morning so far.
I'm in a current mood where I think I need to take some perspective on how this week went. I've already complained a lot about what didn't go well. Here are the things that did:
1. Snow delay on Wednesday morning.
2. Sent out Christmas cards, which always is a happy time, and even got six this week in the mail - including from two I didn't mail to.
3. I put up Christmas decorations in my living room.
4. Jesse said this to me: "Epiphany, I just wanted to let you know that you letting me stay here has been one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and I hope you know that this friendship will not end when I move out. We'll continue to hang out and do stuff - you're a good guy."
5. I got this e-mail from London Lou, one of my favorite people in Baltimore, in response to my house concert e-mail (which only three people out of 124 replied to): "Epiphany , thank you again for everything you do. You are so stoic and positive and the world is a better place because of your encouragement. I'm not sure I am free for Holden's Lair next week. I should be sure at this time, and i know I have a function to attend in the evening at the church here but I'll try to make it later. I don't know what Boston Betty is doing. Take care (Buondomenico)" This cheered me up immensely.
6. I get to see Eleanor this coming up weekend, and hopefully she'll be able to meet some of my friends and hang out here with me.
7. I had a nice conversation with Hugasoul on Wednesday and then she updated her journal!
8. The West Wing grabbed me back this week with a great episode. I had missed the drama and emotion that the show - which I had missed or been non-plussed by so far this season - put into my Wednesday nights. Ed was also good this week, as was Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Scrubs.
9. I had a good lesson on Friday, and the kids did a pretty good job with their presentations on Thursday.
10. I wore a silver tie on Thursday.
11. I had one of the best workout weeks in a long time, working out every day in the morning and doing a good job of mixing up my routine and getting enough of both weights and cardio in.
12. I start Zora on Wednesday, and "Fences" on Monday.
13. It's Dec. 14! How can I be upset when it's so close to Christmas! I love Christmas! I'll be home in just about a week, curling up on the couch, playing euchre with my parents and sister, seeing old friends who I miss very much, spelling a freshly cut Christmas tree and mom's cheap holiday potpourri.
Who am I kidding? Life is great.
That's all for now. My updates will be sporadic until a functional computer comes into my life.