2002-01-16
Ugh. Not a good night., posted at 6:46 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com "You'd notice that, if you weren't so arrogant."He said it under his breath, and did not respond to my immediate inquisition regarding it. And it's been weighing on my mind ever since, along with the denial of my car loan, my overall exhaustion, the fact that my freshmen still cannot write a brief constructed response, and the stacks of paper I still have to get through.
This is not the time to be in a fight with Jason. I'm too stressed out as it is. But here's the story: We're planning a bowling trip on Friday. Mike from DC even could come, and Josh is psyched about it. We were talking about it last night. Jason made the comment that he hasn't committed yet, because if he does, then I hang it over his head if something comes up later. Which may be true, but only because he does it so often. So then I sucker-punched him a bit, but did so in a jocular way, responding to his "something may come up" comment with the following: "Yeah, like a marathon of E! True Hollywood Stories."
So the quotation that started this entry was his response. He said that he's never not done anything with me in order to watch TV, and if I weren't so arrogant, I'd notice that.
I took it badly. It weighed on my mind all night. Am I arrogant with him? He's my best friend, but I do admit I've been judging him in my head over the last several months for his decision making since moving here. He quit his job after a month because it was too stressful. But the first year of teaching, especially the first month of the first year, is going to be stressful. Especially when, during that month, we've had one of the worst tragedies of our lifetimes. I was stressed out. I'm sure all first year teachers are/were. If you're not stressed out during the first year of teaching, then you're probably not trying hard enough. I think he quit far too soon, and told him so at the time. That being said, though, it's fine to quit your teaching job, if you have something else lined up, another plan. But he didn't. He still doesn't. He then took a coaching job, which he quit after about a week because he thought he was about to be hired somewhere. Which he didn't. Again, it's fine to quit your coaching job, if in fact the job you're anticipating to get is a sure thing.
I admit that there is part of me that resents him, for having the last three months off (with occasional subbing thrown in there), yet having saved scrupulously enough so he can continue to pay his bills. I admit that I resent him sometimes for opting to watch TV instead of doing stuff with me (which, since this is my diary, I will say he has done, without question, despite his argument otherwise. Like the time I invited him to Marcia's party but he told me he didn't feel like it and wanted to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation), but have chalked it up to his being broke or maybe even a little depressed.
Does this crticism of him - which I have never vocalized, by the way - make me arrogant? Perhaps. Maybe I'm being too hard on him, and I do have a tendency to be overly critical, especially about people I care about. It's something I'm working on. But I'm tired of seeing him so mopey and moody, so unlike the guy I know. I complain all the time in here about my lack of friends in the area, but he's far worse than I am, with no job to enlist friends at. I'm sure he's lonely. He spends a long time most nights on the phone with his family. I feel for him, I really do. He hides his feelings under a veneer of humor, which is not unlike me on occasion.
But, I admit I'm tired of him being content sitting at home and watching hours of television at end. Of being there all the time. I've lived here in the city for over five months now (but not six, as the loan people wanted...), yet have been home alone only once. And that was right after holiday break, when I returned early from my parents' home for a day. It was wonderful. Yet I have never again arrived home with no cars out front. One of them is always there. Always. Plus, I think he's being too proud, or, in his word, "arrogant" in his job search. What's the shame of taking a nothing job at a grocery store or a restaurant or a mall? It sure beats sitting around all the time with no money, at least I think so.
But, yeah, I regret the comment. A little. Not enough to apologize, I don't think. I think his was much more cutting than mine, because I always make fun of him for watching so much TV (and he has his little things that he makes fun of me for, that's the nature of our relationship). I don't think I've ever been in a fight with him. I've certainly never been as angry as I am right now. Angry at him for making me feel like I do now. Guilty. For offering a snide response and then not explaining it. He seemed fine last night, though, after the incident. We settled down for an exciting hour of the amazing show 24 and the premiere of The Real World (I already like them better than last year's cast). Maybe he was faking it, like I was at first... before forgetting about it until I retreated to the quiet solitude of my dark basement bedroom, where the repeating din of the incident kept me awake until exhaustion took over and I drifted off to sleep. At first, when we returned from the restaurant, I wanted to broach the subject. To ask him specifically what he meant by saying I was arrogant. To start a discussion about the topic. But then I thought against it. Didn't want to stir the cauldron. Sometimes the best things said are left unsaid. I'll try to pave over the incident. Perhaps it will bubble up again, perhaps not. I'm not necessarily a follower of the dictum that communication can makes problems and conflicts subside; in fact, some relationships or even friendships are maintained primarily by me not telling others exactly what I think.
I'm not really sure. I feel like there are so many things pressing on me right now. I am really concerned about the car thing. Since I didn't get a loan through the credit union, I now will be financing through a dealer. So now the best bet would be the car in Michigan. Yet I don't want my parents to know I've been declined, which would happen if I got it financed at my dad's friend's car dealership. Too embarassed for them to find out. So now I have to get a car here. The positive of it is that I can get it refinanced in a month through the employees' credit union, once I hit the six-month mark of employment here. The negative is that I'm going to probably have to put down 10-15% of the total car cost, which I really can't do right now.
On top of that, I've had a pretty mediocre week in school. My 7th period continues to be the bane of my existence. Yesterday they took a test over The Chosen and the average was around a 65%. It is evident not many of the students read it. But the test was such that even if they just paid attention in class, they would have done okay. But they didn't. And their brief constructed responses yesterday were awful, and the state and city tests they'll be taking over the next two weeks are heavy into that. We've been practicing them, but they could no apply them in a testing situation. Ugh.
Right now, I'm simply spinning my wheels until the end of the semester, waiting not-so-patiently for a new batch of kids to come in.
So, I'm in a surly mood, helped only by little things. That payday is Friday, which is good despite the fact that the money is pretty much spent already. That only half of my students will be in my 6th period today because of state testing. That Hugasoul sent me a nice "cheer up" card over e-mail yesterday. That my aunt e-mailed me to tell me that they were talking about me and the common grounds on Impact yesterday, saying how it was founded and is still going on and how it's a great thing. That I've been doing okay with my workouts. That Pepper McGowan e-mailed me yesterday just to say hi and thank me for my support when she was touring. That Ms. Boombastic had a great day yesterday with her kids and I can vicariously live through her. That Simon has promised to call this week sometime, and he has a way of always cheering me up. That it's "Hump Day," and my lessons are planned for the whole rest of the week. That I'm finally making a dent in the stacks and stacks of papers, essays, and tests I need to grade, some of them from early December. That I came home last night and hugged Holden for twenty minutes straight, as my car/job stress temporarily melted away while rubbing his belly and looking at his deep, soulful eyes rolling back into his head in pleasure. That I will have a new car by the end of the week, despite the fact that it's not quite the way I had wanted to go about it.
Hmmm. I guess things maybe aren't so bad.
Songs playing through my head right now: "Better Days" by Dar Williams, "Long Walk" by Jill Scott