Epiphany in Baltimore

2002-05-09

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

Right now, I'm feeling like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting. You know, the scene in which he tells Matt Damon that every morning he wishes that he wasn't there, that he had gone off and made good on his potential. I come home every day from work, wishing my roommate wasn't home, because than at least it means he's doing something with his time.

To be fair, I think he is subbing a lot lately. But he's still there all the time. Sitting in his chair, watching TV. I can't believe how much TV he's watching. I don't even know how he does it.

He continually refuses invites to go out, to play softball, to do anything except his usual routine. He's thrown in the towel for the Maryland area and is looking beyond - but my guess is he'll end up back living with his parents, where it's safe and where he doesn't have to step out of his comfort zone.

I hate to say it, but our friendship has devolved into banal niceties. I once felt closer with him than anyone. Now he leaves the room and shuts the door when he talks on the phone. We're civil, and every now and then I see the old sparks of our friendship so that I think it can be revitalized (like by the NYC trip that he cancelled on), but he refuses to do anything that I think could revitalize it.

I'm not sure what to do. I know some of the problems he has with me, vaguely. He made an off-the-hand comment the other day that I never say "I'm sorry," which is one of my faults I admit. (Though I thought I was improving) Ironically, it's probably my biggest beef with him as well. Despite some obvious differences, some of our similarities are striking. Unfortunately, it's our character flaws that we share - our competitiveness, our stubborness, our lack of true communication skills - that have driven us apart.

I'm hoping that his eventual move will be the break we need. I don't think things could naturally improve on their own here. I believe he sees me - with my teaching and coaching career just beginning - as the embodiment of what his time here in the city could have been if he hadn't decided to give up a month into the year. I probably haven't helped things along too well, either. I try my best with him, but I'm still disappointed that he quit - I still think it was a terrible decision that I blame myself for (for not being able to talk him out of it).

I'm not sure what will become of this. We shall see. I'm going to invite him out to the bar tonight for Randy's 30th b-day party. I'm sure he'll say no in favor of his chair and TV, but I'll keep trying.