Friday, Jun. 03, 2005
john, posted at 10:22 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com John is a soulful kid who I knew from the first day was something special. A dark-skinned silent type with tattoos up his arms and a fuzzy teddy-bear head, he's shorter than the average 6th grader even though he's 17. He doesn't come to school often, but whenever he does, all of his work is top-shape. He's a poet, and is one of those kids that I think we'll hear about later - weather it's as a Tupac Shakur type or a Saul Williams type. He's written about wanting to have a music career before, but I think his poetry might be better on the page. We'll see.He's had a hard life. Dad died of AIDS at age 31 and didn't tell anyone he had it. Homelife is unstable. John was a Ben Carson scholar in middle school but has fallen on rough times, made bad choices, and struggled. His attendance is shitty - He missed 5 times first quarter, 10 times second quarter, 7 times third quarter, and 11 times 4th quarter. But he's the perfect student when he's there, and his work is leaps and bounds above any other kids in the junior class.
He's getting about a 30% grade this quarter so far. He has missed a lot of deal of time. I was supposed to see him yesterday in my class, and didn't. I saw him today, on the day I wasn't supposed to see him. He asked me for the work he missed. I started saying that he only had four days left, that I need to see him every class day. He got this embarassed look on his face, telling me he's always sick, he wakes up late, and then he goes home early because he feels sick.
Then, he said, "I suppose you want to know why."
I really screwed up on this one. I could tell he didn't want to tell me, so I said, "I trust you, John. You don't have to tell me things you don't want to. (He looked relieved) I think you're going places and you have the skills you need in English class. I'm just concerned about you passing, getting through the last year of high school intact. I want to know that everything is alright. You need to figure out a way to make everything alright so you can make it through."
It felt right then, but ever since this morning, I've been replaying it. Obviously he wanted me to make him say what it was, or else he wouldn't have made the comment. He's a quiet, quiet kid, a kid who keeps a wall around him that I don't know if I'll ever traverse. But he gave me an opening, and I totally fanned, and I can't stand it.
God, I hope he comes on Monday. I hope I can figure out a way to let him know that, yes, I'm available if he needs to talk, that in fact I want to help him in whatever way I can.
I suck. I suck. I suck.
I'll do whatever I can to make it up on Monday.