Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005
Quiet, posted at 10:58 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Be forewarned, there's angst ahead.I'm having a real hard time talking lately.
I don't know why. I spent three days in professional development last week only talking to the whole group when I gave a presentation on SAT warmups. Three days, and not one hand raised to volunteer a response. I'm never a big talker - I have this fear of interrupting, usually can't get my thoughts together quickly enough, usually don't feel like I have much insight - but I was extreme last week. It became this big thing in my head where as soon as I realized I hadn't said anything, I thought that my first comment would have to be superbly insightful. Nothing ever came to me.
When I'm quiet, I feel like the spotlight is on me, and I imagine everyone wondering why the hell is this guy so quiet? It's not just happening at work. I'm having a hard time when talking with people and friends, too. I rack my brain for interesting things to talk about or bring up, and I just can't think of anything. It's killing me. I'm feeling more awkward socially than I have since late college. I have never been a loud person but I could usually get by. Now, I'm having a hard time about coming up with things to talk about all the time.
I wish I knew what it all means. I'm sure confidence is part of it, but I'm feeling slightly better about myself now that I'm working out like crazy again. I'll probably feel even better once I get this twenty pounds off. Maybe that's all it. I don't know.
What I do know it doesn't feel like a struggle any more, it feels like a battle. I'm all about the struggle; it's the beautiful struggle of life that makes it rich. But right now I feel like I'm battling - not only battling to hold a conversation, but battling the schedule thrust upon me at school, battling my own tendencies towards procrastination and inefficiency, battling my busy, messy, disorganized life, battling my predisposition to obesity. Everything seems like a battle lately.
I'm only feeling right at the gym right now, and I don't feel very connected right now to people around me or the city I'm in. Forget sex; I don't remember the last time I had a real hug. Actually, I do, and it was the cute girl who I tried asking out until I found out she was a lesbian. The first girl I've wanted to ask out in a long time, and... oh well. It's sort of a funny story, at least.
Regardless, I'm not feeling that happy right now, and, honestly, I don't think I have in a while. I'm lonely and uncertain about my future. That's not a great way to live life, and it's the way I have lived for a couple years now.