Epiphany in Baltimore

Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004

Decisions, posted at 12:02 a.m.

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

I have a hard time making decisions.

In fact, I think the only tough decision I ever made was deciding to move to Baltimore forty months ago without knowing anyone and with only having a job here. When I got here, I realized that I really didn't know the first thing about teaching, or about managing money, or about a lot of life's intricacies. But I learned about them. Hence, the title of this journal is not just some sort of obscure reference to an obscure masterpiece of an album; I really feel like I did have an epiphany in this city, and, for that, this city will always be a big part of my life. It's where I became a man.
I now feel like I'm at the crossroads. I now have a real estate agent; today, she sent me listings for all the houses $100,000 and below in the 21218 area code. At the same time, I feel my feet getting a little cold about it all. Buying a house is certainly the "ultimate putting-roots-down move." I know this.
However, I also feel like I have to make a choice. I feel stupid staying in this house, paying the old lady who owns the place my money every month to help her go on Caribbean cruises. I'm sort of sick of it, sick of the crummy kitchen and the pale yellow paintjob. I don't want to be living here, paying rent, six months from now. Still, I'm confused as to what to do. A big part of me wants to buy a house - this one I'm living in or another one - but another part of me is thinking, well, why am I staying here? I'm lonely. I'm far from family, and have pretty much done nothing in the 3+ years I've been here about starting my own, except perhaps the job thing. I have a good job, but even that has gotten a little more crummy as my tenure has gone on - I now teach 170 students at once, up from 75 at once just two years ago. My school is a great one, being head baseball coach is extremely fun, and I truly feel like I'm making a difference, but couldn't I get that experience elsewhere?
Still, I love the city and have great friends here. I don't feel like I've exhausted its possibilities. I could fall in love on Tuesday on this date and could be married next summer. Unless I'm too Chandler Bing-esque in my assessment of women. Like, I can't believe she fucking spelled Bravehart wrong on her Friendster profile. It all just boils down to not being able to make decisions. I don't know what I want to do. Lansing or Baltimore? A fresh start with a few old friends mixed in, or a city still brimming with both friends and possibilities even if not enough have taken hold in my first three years? A city where Melissa Ferrick has never played except for times when I've booked her at my college, or a city where she comes three times a year? (And, please understand that I'm not literally talking about Ferrick so much as using her as a metaphor for the arts/culture scene in each respective city.) A city where visiting the grandparents and the parents would be easy, or a city where seeing them is a big event? I don't know. I'm too busy to think about it but yearn for some sort of change too much right now not to.