Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2003
I'm back, again, posted at 3:28 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I�m back to Baltimore, and still reeling from the weekend. I made the 9-hour trek up to Detroit on Thursday night, then the 12-hour odyssey back to Baltimore from South Haven on Sunday. This was, of course, after making the same round trip only a week before. My car has more than 2,000 additional miles on it after the dual journeys, and luckily its steadiness is providing at least one contrast to the emotional highs and lows the last month has wrought on my mind.The big news of the journey, at least related to the last few weeks� worth of journal entries, is my parents gave me a loan. Not just a loan, but a 50-month loan to pay off all my credit cards for me. I�ll pay them $250 a month for the next 50 months, interest free, and this should allow me the opportunity to escape from the jaws of bankruptcy as I concentrate on getting my student loans current and healthy enough for Fannie May�s help.
I was worried about the discussion for a while, and it finally happened while my friends escaped to breakfast. We talked, shortly after me opening up my birthday presents, and it was tumultuous. We didn�t argue, but it certainly was not a happy conversation. My dad laid into me for a few things, some deservedly (uh, the massive debt) and some not deservedly (despite his insistence that it�s typical of my lack of attention to details, leaving my socks underneath the computer last weekend has nothing to do with my money problems). I told them how I�ve been tirelessly paying off my credit card debt over the last year and a half at a clip of $600 a month, which is true, but my myopic attention to just one debt has created other problems that are rearing their ugly heads at the moment. Then dad went into this thing about me always being a hard worker, about me always studying late into the night in high school, about me practicing my baseball swing for hours in the field across from us, trying to make up for what God didn�t provide. Hearing him say this, I felt this massive swell of tears come up from behind my eyes and in my throat. I starve for compliments from my father, who is a great man but sometimes makes me feel like I�m 6 years old and still wetting the bed. The compliment was overwhelming, emotionally, and I just couldn�t hold it back. This was on top of the card they got me. Usually, mom signs it. This time, it was a really mushy card and it was obvious that dad had picked it out and he had signed it instead of mom. I almost cried right there.
Despite my feeling of loneliness over the last month about my money problems, I feel embraced right now. I have no concept of what it must be like to not have anyone to lean on. With my parents� help and my $500 student loan payments over the next year, my credit rating might actually turn into something halfway decent in 2 years or so. The thing is, even though I�ve made some dumb mistakes with money, I�ve also been anal about making monthly payments on this damn credit card bill that I�ve had. I sort of thought, �Well, everyone has student loan payments. As long as I get this credit card paid off, then I�ll be at least even with everyone else.� I�m a hard worker and can get stuff paid off. I�ve just got to get something started.
Since returning, I�ve continued to look for a 2nd job. I�ve had no success yet, but I hope one of the 21 applications I�ve filled out will eventually prove itself worthy. I�ve worked every day at summer orientation for new 9th graders, and that makes me feel useful. My money problems of August have not ebbed. I am currently driving without insurance because I have no other choice ($461), and my rent check ($750) bounced so I�ve got to figure out how to rectify that situation. Getting a roommate will help. Payday is this Friday, too � that should help a bunch, though I don�t think it�s for too many days as of yet. Otherwise, I�m hoping a 2nd job comes up, quickly. I keep worrying about getting stopped and getting arrested for not having insurance. I just have no other options right now. I can�t go looking for another job without my car, and I�ve literally been filling out 5-8 applications an afternoon.
I turn 26 on Friday. Today, I got my first birthday card in the mail � from my used car salesman. I guess it�s good that I scraped by and made a car payment to prevent repossession, because that card would have been like a dagger to the heart if I hadn�t.