Friday, Jul. 18, 2003

I know people have it much worse than I do, but I feel pretty bad right now., posted at 10:26 a.m.

This time I have really led myself astray
-Soul Asylum

As I've reflected over the last couple of days about my issues, I keep coming back to words that Gale said to me about a year ago. "It's strange," she said, after I gave her a gift. "Sometimes, a person's best qualities are also their worst." She was saying that my tendency to be generous was also one of my greatest faults.

This unhappy paradox is ringing in my ears right now, as I figure out how I'm going to survive over the next two months. I certainly cannot say that the Europe trip was the biggest mistake of my life - I had a great time, loving every minute of it. I feel more worldly and well-rounded, simply a better person. Yet the trip, as I pretty much knew it would, has made my financial situation more shaky than it already was. The $11 I have in my wallet needs to last me the rest of the summer. Since it obviously cannot, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Financial items keep piling up on me. Gale's paradoxical words would not only refer to my generosity, but also to my laid-back attitude. I'm a laid-back guy. I don't let things bug me, and try to live my life with a philosophy that I'm going to roll with the punches no matter what. I like to think of myself as unsinkable. Nothing's going to bring me down.

This is also a bad quality, though, as I tend to me disconcerned with financial matters until it's too late. I have so many debts from college that I'm unable to save money because I'm forever paying them off although it seems as if I don't even make a dent. But I've already accepted the fact that my credit stinks and I'll probably never own a house. So I'm like, whatever. Nothing I can do.

Right now, though, there are so many clouds floating over my head that contain items I'm not going to worry about that I can barely tolerate it. I'm not going to worry about the fact that rent is due in 12 days and I have no concept of how I'm going to pay it. I'm not going to worry about the fact that my roommate told me yesterday that he's moving out in eleven days, totally screwing me over and making my financial situation even more unbearable. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I'm two payments behind in my car payments, meaning it is likely that it could be repossessed. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I pay $300 a month in car insurance despite never having a ticket, and have no idea how I'm going to keep that up. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I'm being sued by the man who claims that Holden bit him, that his lawyer will not return my calls, that I cannot afford any legal representation. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I drive home on Wednesday to Michigan, yet have $11 to my name and that'll cover gas until about Pennsylvania but that's all. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I still won't get paid until September 15. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I have a court date on August 18, in which I'm supposed to explain why Geico failed to fax over proof of insurance when they claim they did. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I can't remember the last school loan payment I made.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now. Everyone else seems to have a clue about how to handle money, but I never learned. Actually, I think I have learned, now, but it took $8000 worth of credit card debts in college to give me the lesson, and now there's nothing I can do about that knowledge.

Every option I can think of to get out of this seems blocked. I've thought about unemployment, but they probably don't let teachers get that. But, basically, we get laid off for two months every year, and I think that sucks. I've thought about getting another job, and will, but I have to travel too much in the next two weeks to do that. I've thought about asking the parents for a loan, but they already gave me a small cash gift for Europe that they made me promise I would spend on myself rather than on bills (I broke my promise a bit, but it was either that or my gas getting cut off.)

Despite my numerous debts, my credit has apparently improved enough in the last year for a credit card company to offer me a pre-approved card. It really sucks, with a horrible interest rate and a $69 startup fee, but I've already sent it in. But I have no idea when I'm going to get that.

I'm having trouble sleeping and I feel like I'm totally out of options. I've cancelled phone, Internet, cable, and the gym membership. I'm seeing a debt counselor next week; we'll see how that goes.

While on my Italy trip, I got to know Bill really well. He's got two phrases he uses all the time - "Whaddya gonna do?" and "Everything always works out." I hope he's right.

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