Sunday, Jun. 22, 2003
I get handed bad luck cuz I can take it, I guess, posted at 1:47 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm feeling sad.Yesterday, when Michelle asked me how I was doing, I almost answered, "Relentlessly unhappy." Then I decided that my pity party shouldn't have any visitors.
I hate money. I hate the fact that I never have it, that I'm so poor at managing it, that it dictates my life. I hate that I cannot survive on my teacher salary even though I should be able to. I hate that I cannot afford this vacation, which is turning into the worst decision of my life.
This isn't about whether I will spend too much in Italy; it's about whether I'll have anything to spend, or if I'll weigh down my traveling partner with my lack of funds. I do not own a credit card and haven't used one in years. I get by on what I make, paying bills and debts like crazy all the time. My car insurance is $300/month. My car payment is more than that. My rent is cheap, but my house sucks. My phone is turned off. My computer won't turn on because I think it surged during a storm last week, but it doesn't matter since the Internet is turned off anyway. BGE came over to turn off the upstairs gas last week, and I received a turnoff notice for the downstairs gas yesterday in the mail. I go home every day worried the power will be cut off. I'm being sued by a man who trespassed in my yard that my dog bit, and don't have a lawyer. I have obligations to travel back and forth to Michigan twice this summer, and that costs money.
Yet, I'm paying $700 to get on a plane and fly to Italy, and probably should have at least that much to spend while I'm over there. I don't have it. I don't have a summer job and don't know how I'm going to survive. I never should have agreed to this trip, but was blinded by the "if you don't do it, you'll regret it forever" and "it's an opportunity of a lifetime" comments.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm really stressed out about it.
Boston Betty says she's going to win the lottery and get me otu of debt. I have no desire to live my life extravangtly, just to live it without worries, without the strong grip of money around my neck.
Ironically, I need this vacation that I cannot afford more than I've ever needed a vacation.