Sunday, May. 25, 2003
If you look closer, it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears, posted at 11:29 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Driving around alone late at night with a copy of the CD I made for her. Brenda Kahn's mouth pressed so close against the mic that you can hear her breath, her fingers gliding over the strings and brushing against the wood. Michelle Shocked singing about Alaska, Jeff Buckley wailing about dying with a satisfied mind, Patty Griffin aching through a cover of "Tears of a Clown." Shawn Colvin and her poloroids, Dan Bern making love to his babe in the Chelsea Hotel, and a love rain falling down on Jill Scott.***
I think we're at a communicative standstill. You've said some things you needed to say, and I have as well. I don't know where we can go from this point. Although it has been informative to hear what you were feeling in the months of January and February, and that has helped me understand your perspective better, I still feel like the evidence upon which you based your behavior was faulty and your response to the faulty evidence even worse. I feel like you received some bad advice, but the fact that you took it illustrates how little faith and trust you had in me. I still don't understand why you chose to give up on the situation so early, yet didn't inform me. I still don't understand how you could be dating someone for months without telling me, even though we continued to speak. Your willingness to drop not only a prospective romantic partner but also a friend of 3 or 4 years, without discussion, really hurts. I'm not sure where this leaves us at all. It is too painful for me to think of you with another guy, and my faith in you has been compromised. Honestly, it has been nice to talk with you again over these last few days over e-mail, to feel you in my life again, but the lump in my throat still seems perpetual, the sadness seems impenetrable. I need a break from thinking about you.
***
I'm sorry this journal has taken such a mopey, depressing turn lately. I'm not used to dealing with this much anger and hurt. I spent last night in, feeling sorry for myself, but tonight I made it a point to go out with friends. I broke the news to them about her. Renee was there, and I'm glad she heard, so in case things ever heat up with her, she knows the reasons for my hesitance over the last couple of months. I have a much more difficult time expressing my feelings while talking rather than writing. It's hard for me not to give a defense mechanism laugh or make a crudely funny statement about the situation, something like, "My heart feels like it went through a meat grinder." It's hard, because I feel tears thinking about coming out, and I don't want that to happen at Tapas Teatro after seeing The Mighty Wind. That would suck. Driving around, listening to music, helps a bit. I'm only thinking about it when I'm alone or when I'm talking about it.
It reminds me of the old Melissa Etheridge song:
I'm only lonely when I'm driving in my car
I'm only lonely after dark
I'm only lonely when I watch my tv
I'm only lonely occasionally
I will get over this soon. The weather certainly is not helping. Neither, really, is the three days off from work. Being left to my own devices is never a good thing when my thoughts are so cloudy and uni-focused.