Saturday, May. 24, 2003
Italy... and... Once Bitten, Twice Shy, posted at 11:36 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com The exciting news is that I have decided to go to Italy. In the last several days, I have become convinced that this is something I need to do, for my own betterment as a person. Despite the fact that it will cost a lot of money and my bills keep piling up, I am enthralled with the idea. All of my friends (as well as my diaryland readers) are telling me to go; that has been enough. My supervisor has pretty much ordered me to go. Bill, who invited me along, is now more excited about me going than him going. This is my freaking first time out of the country (border hopping to Canada from Michigan excepted)... hell, I've never even bought a damn plane ticket. I'm so excited, I can't even stand it.***
I've spent all day today arguing - no, discussing - things with the girl in Michigan. I'm having a hard time corralling my feelings. I'm still deeply hurt and more angry at any one person than I ever have been before. But, in discussing things, I realize just how much I miss her, and that much of what occurred was a result of misperceptions and horrible miscommunication. I blamed myself for Jenni, but this time, it's not my fault. I think the crumbling of relationships is always both people's faults, but this time the balance is way off. I'd say, maybe 80/20. Yes, misperceptions occur, but it is our response to those misperceptions that matter. And her response, frankly, sucked. She knows.
Hearing now that she decided in January to drop me like a bad habit, less than a month after seeing her, makes me even more confused and hurt. She thought I was being distant. But I feel like I was a pawn that needed to be dropped in order for her to thereputically feel better. In a way, I feel like a victim of that steamrolling process of self-healing and realization. At the end of the December, I thought I was a product of it - she said as much - but now I feel like just a stepping stone (stumbling block?) on her quest for healing, and that I needed to be dropped ASAP after getting stepped on.
I loved her, but she didn't trust me, and those combined made the 700 miles between us far too great a gulf to traverse.
I'm now wondering if there is any possibility at friendship left. I honestly don't know. At this point, it would be too painful to see her with another guy, and I'm too wounded to allow myself to trust her again any time soon.
But I miss her. The void that the end of our friendship has left is still huge and painful. This is sad.