Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003
If it's the thought that counts, you can always count on me. I'm thinking all the time., posted at 9:20 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I'm feeling a bit diaryland disillusioned lately. I don't feel like I can use this forum as a way to truly explore myself, and feel as though it's turned into too much of a "Here, this is what I did today" type of thing.I might have to start busting out the other aliases. Not that I actually have any right now.
Oh, by the way... here, this is what I did today: :)
Went to the gym way early as usual, because I really feel like I have to get back to the program. I haven't gotten on the scale in a while, mostly because I've been a little concerned about what it would say post-holidays, but also because I'm not really about the weight - more about how I feel and how I look. I'm gaining muscle, and feel as though I'm (not literally) replacing my fat with muscle. Plus, I always drink so much in the mornings that I feel like my weight is skewed.
But... I did weigh myself today. I've gained about 3 pounds since the last time I weighed myself, in December. But I've gained about 8 pounds since the start of the school year, which I admit is a little disconcerting. I think the main problem isn't that I'm not working out, but that I'm simply eating too much. I've been a cereal fiend since October or so, eating a bowl at breakfast and one for dinner on a lot of days. It's healthy cereal, with lots of protein and not that many calories, but it's still something I should cut down on.
At the risk of sounding like a dumb musclehead, I'd really like to be ripped by the summer. I've also got to really got to work on my abs. I feel like my core needs to be as strong as possible for baseball season, which is coming up like an island in a sea of stress of school.
School was long today. I didn't get much sleep. I'm trying an alternative assessment for Their Eyes Were Watching God that does not involve a written test, but rather involves a small group discussion. I divided each class into three groups, and each of the three groups have different topics and passages to choose from to discuss. They are being assessed on how well they discuss and get deep into the book. I start out by going around and letting each student give an opening statement, then letting the discussion flow from there.
It went really well. My supervisor happened to come in and watch in the morning, and she later praised me for doing such "innovative work on assessment." I confessed to her that part of it was that I didn't want to add any papers to the stack that I still have to grade. She's so nice. I think she really likes me as a teacher. I hope she comes back next year. A few of us in our department fear that the "test test test" philosophy and generally unfriendly atmosphere at our school is zapping her spirit and will make her leave us next year.
At a meeting the other day, she was discussing something with us that the administration wants us to do. Something that no one wanted. She commented, "Some people, when they see someone coming with a hammer, they think, 'Oh no, are they going to hit me with that? Let me get out of the way!'. And other people see that person coming with a hammer and think, 'Oh cool, we're going to build something!'" She then went on to say that our attitude is the former, and that she thinks that this distrust that most of the teachers have for our administration is preventing us from pushing through. She didn't say it critically, but rather as a way to understand where we're coming from. I'm still young and idealistic and do not think that management is out to get me for the most part, but I do feel a definite fear amongst our staff - we're not necessarily a happy place to be. There is a lot of pressure to do well, and this is made worse by our budget problems.
I feel like I need a little rejuvenation for 2nd semester, so I stopped off at Barnes & Noble the other day and looked at the education books. I saw Holler If You Hear Me, which some people in my college class read. I thumbed through it, and liked the fact that it was written by a basically rural young white male teaching in inner city Chicago. But it was over $20 and I didn't get it, plus I was worried it was going to try to be too motivational. I then almost got this book called I Read It, But I Don't Get It, which is something I hear from my students sometimes and I don't have very good answers for them except to read it again and more carefully. In thumbing through the book, the author mentioned that a teacher had told her that very exact same thing in high school and that it did no good. So, of course, it made me feel guilty. I didn't buy it because, yes, it was over $20, and I thought that my department head might just have a copy for me to borrow. No such luck. Oh well.
In other news, I'm somewhat depressed about money, as usual. I just found a bill that I didn't pay and now I'm worried that my heat will be turned off. That would suck. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the summer and 8 weeks without a paycheck. The worst part of being a teacher is the summers off, I swear. Especially if you're in a district that doesn't offer a 12-month contract and if you have no money-saving skills at all. Not that I really could save any money at all on my current get-out-of-debt budget. I also unfortunately am a big stuff person, so I buy stuff that I don't really need. Like I'm dying to buy directtv this summer so I can watch Tigers games (have I mentioned how excited about baseball season I am?), and I think it will probably be about the price of cable eventually, but then I think to myself, do I even need freaking cable? Do I really want to buy a whole damn new system? I've been e-mailing comcast weekly to ask them to pick up the MLB ExtraInnings package, because I really don't want to go through the hookup of a whole new system. I can't even figure out how to have my DVD player and VCR plugged in at the same time. I have to unplug one and plug the other one in to use them. And don't get me started on how to tape TV shows with a cable box.
I need to think good thoughts. Here are a few:
1. My alternative assessment for my students went very well today.
2. My house is clean.
3. I took a nap this afternoon and it felt wonderful.
4. I felt like I was going to throw up on the way into work today, but I didn't.
5. I installed a popup ad blocker on my computer today, and it seems to be working.
6. My roommate reported the neighbors for keeping their dog outside all week in the horribly cold weather with no shelter.
7. I get this e-mail yesterday from the incredible London Lou, who I have so much genuine respect for: Dear (Epiphany), thank you for the great party and concert at your house on Saturday. We meandered there from Martha and Robert's party and it was interesting to part of the two milieux, one younger, more engaging, eclectic and informal, the other very strait laced, charming, convivial, but terribly reserved. In the latter group, almost exclusively couples, people thought they knew where they stood in life or had devloped the armor to talk to the sorts of people they wanted to or knew already, and were identified more by what they did than who they were. In your group the synergy of people in self discovery, eager to mingle with others or catch up with the latest developments, people expecting to be enlightened by the other, the welcome of enquiring minds afforded a greater welcome than the former group. I enjoyed both parties, but ended up in a corner with (Boston Betty) in the first place, later to be joined by Celia and Tad who works in the Math department, whereas in your party, (Boston Betty) and I only met when we decided to leave... I also wanted to tell you that hope is all we have, especially in these ante-bellistic days of jingoist pseudo-patriotism. The Two Towers is about hope. I was struck by its germane themes watching the armies of mass-destruction traverse the globe from the dark lord Sauron's empire to crush the upstart who deigns not to embrace his culture or fealty. The hope is that the other nations will wake up to stand together againt global domination of any type. I note that the Prophet, may his name be blessed, also saved the day riding on a snow-white charger. Take care, my dear friend, purveyor of all the best culture in Middle Earth. Do you have Nick, Josh and Rob's emails? I miss the first, and would like to keep in more regular touch with you and the latter two.-B
8. I also got this e-mail from Renee today and it made me smile: Dear (Epiphany): ... I really had a great time Saturday--during and after the show! Some of the best times I have had in the past year or so have been at your house concerts. You're a great host; you make it seem so easy! I don't know if you have any difficulties behind the scenes, but if you do, they sure don't surface for the final product. And I hope you guys made it home ok from my place. I was happy to play the host for a bit! - (Renee)
Okay, that's a little better. Good night.
PS - Does anyone know of any good songs that fit into one of the following themes: redemption, faith (not religious), crossroads of life, finding your way, figuring yourself out. Songs along the lines of John Mayer's "Why Georgia?" and Tracy Chapman's "At This Point In My Life" and Jill Sobule's "Somewhere in New Mexico"...