2001-10-23
Teaching doldrums, posted at 12:16 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Right now, I am very disillusioned.Teaching is so hard. It's so hard to stay motivated and there is so much out-of-school work to do and I just can't believe how behind I always seem to be. I am horribly ineffiecient with my time.
Today, instead of trying to pound the kids into submission and try to teach them, I showed a movie. Yeah, it was related to the curriculum - it was, after all, "The Scarlet Letter." But I didn't have to show it. I think it's pretty damn boring. The kids do too. But I just didn't want to fight for their attention today. I'm drained, I'm sick, and every part of my body is aching. I have very low confidence in my teaching abilities at this moment. I don't teach writing; I assign it. I don't teach reading; I assign it. Everything I make the kids do is so damn grade-oriented and not at all intrinsic.
This is not the sort of teacher I wanted to be. I didn't want to show movies very often at all. I wanted to inspire students, not assign them pages 200-225. What happened?
I teach because I love it, but the glimmers of epiphany that brought me into the profession seem rare. The din of the voices tugging in my ears is unbearable - from my department head, from my colleagues, from parents, from my principal. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I feel like crap, and my head is as cloudy as the sky outside. My mood has seeped into my classroom teacher persona, as three students today have inquired about my lack of a smile. I'm trying to fake it, but you can't fake kids out. I told them I was sick, which is the truth. Maybe I just shouldn't come in if I'm as sick as I feel today. I'm not doing the kids much good right now.
It'll get better next semester, I tell myself. It'll get easier next year, everyone tells me. But I'm tired and worried that exhaustion is a result of mental burnout rather than physical ailments.
There is one boy in my 2/3 period that I simply can't stand. He mocks me, and he craves attention in any way he can get it. The damn kid is bright, too. I hate him. I will get past it because I am the adult in the situation, not him. But I dread seeing him every day.
The sun will come out tomorrow... I hope.