2001-10-04
He's quitting, posted at 7:43 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I am really stressed out.My roommate, my best friend, is quitting his teaching job. Or at least that's what he told me this morning.
We seem to have settled into a cycle. Two weeks ago, he was really bad off. Last week, I was feeling stressed and depressed and he seemed to be fine. This week, I'm fine (despite the fact that I'm getting my first formal observation today and am pretty nervous about it) and he's back on the downward cycle.
But he's dragging me down. I want to be supportive. I want to be a good listener, a good advice-giver. But I think that if he quits, he'll be making the biggest mistake of his life.
Last night, we talked for hours about it. I told him that the year was only a month old, and all first year teachers have a hard time. I told him that this is the first month in what could be a 30-year career and he shouldn't throw in the towel yet. After the motivation angle seemed to fail, I used guilt - think about the kids, I said. What are they going to do without a teacher? He believes that anyone who replaces him would do a better job than him. I told him bullshit, they'll get some college kid who won't stay after school for hours with them, who won't know the material, etc. He isn't buying it.
We talked for a long time. I told him that he's bringing his job home too much, that he needs to focus on the positive aspects of the job and go from there. He needs to set little goals if the big goals aren't working - work step by step on making things better rather than trying to change the world. He's in a really sucky school. From listening to him and the ridiculous things that are done to him - receiving incorrect curriculums, getting the wrong books, having no one that supports him or gives him advice, a flighty department head who functions more as the principal of the elementary school that's attached, etc - I can tell that the school is not creating an environment at all for his success. I tried telling him that it's not his fault that the kids have to take the city-wide unit test on Friday over a unit that hasn't been covered if the school failed to tell him or give him a curriculum telling him what unit to teach. We went to our respective bedrooms on a more dejected note than our previous conversations, me because I seemed to have failed in my efforts to cheer him up or motivate him, and him because he is, as he repeated over and over again, "so unhappy and hating my life right now."
I tried everything I could think of in terms of advice. Take a day off, I said. "I don't have my emergency sub plans in yet. Yet another thing that I'm behind in." A lot of teachers think about quitting their first year, I said... I was really unhappy last week, and there have been time that I've hated my job this year too... Your school sucks. Do the best you can in that situation, then reassess after the year... Simply don't do so much work out of school. Teachers don't get paid enough to work 12 hours a day. Join a gym. Get healthy. Prioritize time for yourself... It could be worse - you could be teaching science again... I'm sure you're reaching the kids; sometimes it's tough to see the results right away in middle school. Plus, the year is *only a month old*.
My reaction in my head last night is that he's being whiny and a quitter. Last paycheck, he made $700 more than me. I'm not sure why - I received the amount I was supposed to, and his was much more. It might be an error. I don't know what else it could be. But he's making damn good money. "I'm not in it for the money," he insists. I just can't believe that he'd throw in the towel on the one-month anniversary of the school year starting. I think he's making a huge error. I haven't said it in that strong of terms - "Dude, I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life if you quit. You made a year-long commitment to the school and the kids and you're just quitting" - but I think I will tonight if things haven't changed.
I woke up this morning, after oversleeping, at 6:30am. He usually leaves at 5:50am. He was still there and hadn't dressed. I squinted at him with my nearly blind contact-free eyes, took my shower, and hoped he'd be gone to school by the time I got out. He wasn't. I finally talked to him. He wasn't going in. He was going to call in sick. I told him it was a good idea. Then, he said he was going in to talk with his principal tomorrow. For what, I asked? "I tell you right now, Mark, I'm quitting. I failed."
I was silent. I didn't say anything. Didn't tell him he was making a huge mistake. I let it stew. It's still stewing. He did the same thing last year in not doing his internship. I'm stressed out by him and for him.
He did call the school and the administrator was very supportive and told him to take the day and not to give up. Maybe it'll work. Maybe the day at home with his thoughts will shed light on the fact that quitting will be a huge mistake. No school system would want to touch him after quitting a month into a school year. He has no alternate plan except to substitute teach and continue his education, which he has no money for. He's the first person from his extended family to graduate from college, and he's feeling all this undue and mostly unspoken pressure from that. I'm getting too personal, I should stop writing. Our conversation last night was deep and I learned more about him than I ever knew before. I wish it was in a better context, though.
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Still haven't named the dog. I'm loving the idea of "Holden," but we'll see. I like the idea of something literary, for the simple purpose that it will be a good conversation starter. What about "Gatsby"? (I've never read "The Great Gatsby," so I can't say it's because the book had a profound impact on me. I have to teach it in December, though, so I better get to it soon.) I also liked the idea of "Joey," which one of my kids suggested yesterday. The dog and I went for a two-mile run yesterday; it was wonderful. The mayor lives four blocks away from us and has 24-hour police protection, and I ran a bit past that and then up and around and man it was nice. It's a safe area even in the dark, and he's a good jogger. Always likes to run on the side away from traffic, because he flinches when cars go by. As well he should.
In fact, I was so happy with the fact that he was being such a good dog yesterday that I decided to go out in the yard yesterday and not tie him up - just let him go to the bathroom on his own. BIG MISTAKE. He ran away. It was awful. He didn't come when I called. He ran to the front of the house near traffic. Turned back and wagged his tail at me like it was a big game. Thoughts flashed through my head that I'd have to go back to the SPCA with the info that I had killed their dog. I was already grieving. He wouldn't come. He ran into the street once - thankfully there were no cars. I finally tricked him into jumping into my car, where I could corral him. Never again. We had some crash training sessions in the house on how to come when we went inside. He had always come when we were inside before, though. I have to figure out how to practice while we're outside in this city area. Now I know that I can't trust him not to run.
Even though he ruined his perfect image yesterday, he's still damn good dog. I just have to better about training him - he's got mostly good habits, but obviously has some bad ones as well.
Just like Holden Caulfield, I guess.
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To top it all off, I have my first formal observation today. I'm the first one in the department to get observed formally. I'm teaching Emerson's "Self Reliance," which is a pretty tough read. For ninety minutes, a woman will be sitting in my room while I'm teaching evaluating me. I'm not excited. I told my kids yesterday that I'd be nervous and for them to behave really well. The kids like me so I feel like I've got that sort of relationship with them, but still... maybe I shouldn't have. Probably not very professional. I also told them they could watch "The West Wing" last night and write a reflection on it for extra credit. It was fairly educational, even though it was definitely didn't offer the usual dynamic drama that it usually does. I'm not even going to mention it today because I don't want to deal with justifying the assignment to her.
I hope it goes well. I hope it goes well. I've got my mind on other things though.