2001-09-14
Thunderstorm, posted at 8:36 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com This morning, I woke up to the greatest fear I've ever experienced in my life.I sleep in the basement, and light was flashing outside through the windows. Planes were roaring by, seemingly right above our roof. I heard bombs dropping nearby. It was horrible. I looked for a table to hide underneath, and worried about my roommates upstairs while I silently thanked god I had the basement bedroom. I was thinking about radiation and how I could protect myself from it.
I was sure I was going to die.
Then, I realized it was a thunderstorm.
When I recounted the story to a couple of people this morning, they laughed. I don't think it's funny. It scared the hell out of me.
As much as I want to pretend that life can and should return to normalcy, it's impossible at this point. There have been long stretches of time where I've forgotten what has happened. I go to school every morning, and am filled with the hope and optimism that comes from being part of the learning process for these wonderful students that I have. I see the future in them, and it's bright. I totally forget that 5,000 people have died. I totally forget about the guilt that I feel about having survived, about not having anyone I know be unaccounted for, and about wanting to move on to normalcy.
Then, I return home and turn on the news, and the emotions flood back. I cried again last night, watching the family members of victims search the NYC streets for any sign of their loved ones, holding up fliers and asking people to call phone numbers. I saw husbands, wives, best friends, significant others, sons, fathers, daughters all looking for their loved ones. They're so strong. So sure that they're still alive. One woman last night said how much she's looking forward to going to Hawaii for two weeks with her best friend. She didn't talk in past tense. She said they were looking forward to it, and how she can't wait to see her on the beach there. I saw CNN newscaster Elizabeth Cohen (who has the same name of a girl whom I graduated from high school with... she was brilliant but apparently turned into a pothead in college... but I digress) break down and start sobbing in the middle of one of her updates from the scene, after talking to a 20-something year old son talk about his father, who was a window washer on the 105th floor.
It's all very excruciating. The courage, strength, and fortitude that these people have astounds me.
To get our minds off things, Mike and I went to a concert last night. We went to the bar where the concert was, and the only thing playing was CNN. No show. We decided to walk around the area of Fell's Point, which is the hip strip of bars and shops in Baltimore. I'd never been there. It was cool, but dead. I guess no one is in the mood to party. I really wasn't, either. We went to a cool music store, and I bought Everlast's first CD for $6.99, and Rose Polenzani's new CD. I'm sure the latter will provide a suitably depressing soundtrack to the week.
I'm terrified of what will happen over the next week. I understand that retaliation is probably necessary, but I certainly don't feel good about it. My kids have a 5-minute moment of silence today at 12:30; I hope they can handle it.