Epiphany in Baltimore

2001-06-19

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

Just got back from the gym. I feel like I'm ready to take on the world. I was there for almost two-and-a-half hours. It's so relaxing to be there when I'm not rushing through my workout so I can get to school or a meeting on time.

I love being asked to spot for people. When I'm at the gym, I do a lot of people watching in between sets. You can get away with it at the gym, because you need to focus on something and everyone pretty much does it. People don't know if you're staring at them or just deep in thought/self-motivation tactics. Today, there was this guy who I was sort of transfixed by. He came in in a hooded sweatshirt and never took his hood off the whole time he was in there. It's 90 degrees out, so I was thinking it was a bit odd, but I let it go. (Random note written later: "I let it go?" What was I about to do? Go up to him and say, "Hey buddy, the fact that you're wearing your sweatshirt with its hood is bothering me. Do you mind taking it off?")

But when I sat down at the lower back machine thing, he was right in front of me on the dip bar. Then, he did something I'd never noticed before: one-handed dips. Wow. I still don't know how he did it. The combination of strenth and balance that this requires... well, I just didn't know it was possible. I can barely do a two-handed dip. Now, instead of just being weirded out by this guy in the hooded sweatshirt, I was pretty amazed. He wasn't a big guy - only about a buck fifty I would imagine. I'm not very impressed with the big muscle-bound guys at the gym - I figure they just have too much time on their hands to lift that many weights.

Anyhow, back to enjoyment of spotting for people. Later in my workout, sweatshirt guy asked me to spot for him. I felt like I was in good shape just by association. I also noted that the guy had eyes - until that point, the hood of his sweatshirt was pulled far over them. Later, a pretty girl asked me to spot for her. Spotting for folks makes me happy, because these strangers have entrusted me with their safety, and are assuming I could lift the weight if they couldn't. I like being trusted. Myself, I've never asked anyone to spot for me. Too shy, I guess. It's not a trust issue, I don't think.

Anyhow, it was a great day at the gym. Since last August, when I changed my lifestyle and adopted a much healthier stance on things, I feel like I've turned over a new leaf. I'll never go back to the state I was in. I've been crippled by body image issues as long as I can remember, but finally can stand to look at myself in the mirror with my shirt off. (On a side note, it annoys the heck out of me to only hear about body image issues in the context of it being a women's issue... glance at the covers of any men's health or workout magazine and you'll see that men have a lot to live up to as well.) Anyhow, I've lost about 50 pounds since last summer, and it's still coming off pretty good - I seem to have conquered the plateau I hit by running a whole heck of a lot. I still have to be in the mood to run, but sometimes there's nothing better than a nice 45-minute run. I still run pretty slow (about 11 or 12 minutes per mile), but I love it. It's a great time to think. I can't wait to get on the scale and see the first number be a "1" instead of a "2". I was never happy with the way I looked in high school, but now I look back at photos and want to shake myself and say, "What were you thinking?". I gained a lot of weight in college. I now recognize the reasons for this are many - lack of athletic activity, late night pizzas, dorm food which never satisfied me, becoming a vegetarian. The latter one suprises people, but it definitely had a big effect on me. I became a vegetarian for ethical, not health, reasons, and the way I went about the diet change reflected that. Being a vegetarian, all I did was eliminate meat... but I didn't add anything else. Thus, I was always hungry, and filled these hunger urges with cheese and fries and ice cream and other foods that, while vegetarian, were not healthy.

I've received a few wakeup calls about my health in the last year or so. My parents had a mini-intervention with me about how we have a history of diabetes in our family and how I should really lose some weight - that was probably around summer of 1999 (seeing pictures of myself at Heidi's graduation blow my mind - that must have been my heaviest point). Ann's death helped me see that I should seize the moment and not put things off. Getting in shape was always something that I would do sometime in the future. In December, my first doctor's checkup since 1991 revealed a really high cholesterol level (luckily, my "good" cholesterol was very high too, or I'd be on medication now). That threw me, because it was four months after I'd started exercising everyday... imagine how bad it was before then. A horrifying doughnut slide on a Boston highway in December scared the hell out of me and made me face my fears of death a little. All these things have contributed to what is now a passion for health in my life. I now rarely, if ever, eat cheese. I'm still a strict lacto-ovo vegetarian, but considering the possibility of eventually adding fish to my diet for health reasons. I feel better than I ever remember. Daily exercise is now a priority for me. I know that just a few days being lazy can turn into a few weeks, so I'm careful about going every day and going double the next day if I ever miss. I now see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm still far from perfect, physically. I still have no visible ab muscles, and my workout for them is pretty inconsistent (I think I've convinced myself that I do have ab muscles there, they're just hiding behind a layer of fat, and eventually if I continue running enough, I'll be able to see them). But I feel great and my body is starting to catch up with the way I feel. It's a good feeling. I feel like I may be able to have a clean slate, body-wise, wherever I move to. I'm never going to be skinny, I realize this. But I love the feeling after a good workout, and love feeling a bit sore the next morning. I love people who haven't seen me in while telling me I look great or asking how much weight I've lost. I love being asked to spot for people. :) I love Gold's Gym for having a good deal on their yearlong membership when I happened to be listening to the radio that day about a year ago. It was the sort of impulse purchase that usually gets me in big trouble, but it's paid off. The $250 gift I got for myself for graduating from college has turned me into a new person. My self esteem has grown a lot in recent months because of it. And what really makes me happy is that it's not some sort of diet I'm on, but rather a real lifestyle change.

Anyhow, it was a great workout today. I feel ready to take on these thousand campers tonight.

Sorry to get all Susan Powter on ya.