Epiphany in Baltimore

2001-07-03

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

I feel like my daily ramblings have decreased in quality significantly since school got out.

The reason is simple. My diary is less interesting because my life is less interesting.

Camps are okay. I'm not glad I returned. I should have had more foresight this summer, and done something that would net me more money and a funner summer. I can't blame it all on myself, though. The responsibilities (re: time) significantly increased this year, making me work most weekends. Last year, we pretty much had weekends off. So I got something I wasn't really expecting. Still, the job pays for my room and board. Even though I've eaten in the cafeteria only twice all summer, the room is good. Plus, who can complain about unlimited free air-conditioning in the summer? Not me.

But the job really doesn't challenge me much. Too much of what I perceive as success hinges on my supervisor's reaction to what I do, and that's not a good way to conduct yourself at work. The job is mediocre, at best. Only 16 more nights, though.

But the fact that life is so humdrum to me now that I'm not teaching makes me worry. I want to be a good teacher, and I want to make a difference in the lives of young people. I want students to become better readers, more independent thinkers, and more competent writers and communicators after leaving my classes.

But what I don't want is to have the teaching consume my life. I don't want all the happiness in my life to hinge on how the day went at school. I don't want to be one of those teachers where it's obvious that they are making up for the shortcomings in their own lives by pouring all of themselves into their work and their school.

This is something that I've done before. I remember one day, driving home from Cedar Pointe one late night with some great friends. The carload was: Alan, who I don't see often enough anymore; Erin, who I see all the time still; Jenni, who I entered a relationship with soon after and things are now incredibly weird now that it's over; and me. To pass the time, we were playing a game where we ask each others questions that we have always wanted to ask. I asked Erin about her dad, who she had disowned. Someone asked how often we each masturbate. Things like that. Then, Alan lobbed what could have been a softball question to me. This was my second year as an RA, when I was incredibly involved, creating and running The Common Grounds Coffeehouse, had just successfully lobbied to get us RA's more space for our jobs for the first time in 35 years , and in general was a hell of an RA. Not to be immodest, of course. That was back when I loved that stuff. Anyhow, Alan asked me, "How is it that you do so much, Mark? Mark, you are the man (note: he still says this all the time, and it embarasses me, but I digress). How do you do it?".

I was surprised at the quick honesty of my response: "If I'm off doing stuff, it means I'm not sitting alone in my room." I wasn't even sure this was the answer until I said it. But that was it. Of course it was. I was so damn good at my job because I didn't want to be consumed by loneliness.

So, I've got a history of it. Don't want it to happen any more. I also have a history of burning out on stuff that I love - see rez life. I used to be awesome at it. Now I'm just mediocre. I even wanted to go into Student Affairs as a career. Not anymore. Just not as into it as I once was.

I never, ever want to burn out on teaching. I love it. I wake up every morning eager to go back in. I love seeing kids "get" something. I love almost every part of it. I don't want the job to lose its shine 25 years from now.

This is why it concerns me that I've lost a lot of my drive (I'm sleeping 9-10 hours a day... really pretty pitiful) now that I'm not teaching. My life has gotten boring. I don't want this to be a forerunner of things to come. I don't want meaning in my life to be contingent on my job.

Of course, I'm probably overracting. I'm about to hit my sixth anniversary of living on this campus next month. I deserve to be sick of it. I'm doing a job that I did last summer that doesn't challenge me much and I don't really like. I have few friends in the area. I'm just over a month away from what will hopefully be one of the most exciting transition periods of my life. So I guess it's to be expected that every moment in my life isn't consumed by meaning and directed towards something of purpose. Right?

But I'm just a bit frustrated to be so much in a boring routine only a month after school is out. This didn't happen last summer. This summer, I plod into work every night dragging my heels, hoping that tonight will bring something different. It's so boring. So mundane. There are few kids here. It's making the job boring. And I feel frustration.