2001-07-05
Emotional Day, posted at 5:46 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I visited one of my favorite places in the Lansing area today - the Fenner Nature Center. I've been entranced by the place ever since I was little, when I used to strain from the backseat of my parents' car to see if I could catch a glimpse of the "mystical" buffalo that we always heard about but never actually saw. I don't think there's a buffalo there now, but it's still a beautiful place - a nice lake, nature trails, and only a couple minutes from campus. I jogged through the woods and listened to the quiet sounds of the forest. I was definitely in a contemplative mood.Across the street from the arboretum is Evergreen Cemetary. I drive by it a few times a week, so it's really not a big deal normally. But today, it was. I was listening to this really forlorn Josh Joplin song - a song that I listened to for the first time today despite hearing it many times before. "I wanted perfection from every song I've ever sung / But that was wrong. And I wanted something from every person I've ever loved / But that was wrong / And I've changed, I've changed / I've reconsidered everything / I'm fine now, I'm fine now / I laid the barrel in my mouth / And everything I thought before I won't think anymore".
For some reason, hearing the melancholy sound and lyrics while driving past the cemetary where Janet and Great Grandma and Grandpa Casler and Aunt Tonja's mom lay really struck a chord with me. I could feel tears coming on, and I just let them come.
I'm thinking most about Janet, whom I've never really mourned. I missed her funeral, and her death at the age of 40-something a few years back never really hit me. I can't even remember how long she's been gone. She was one of my mom's and Tonja's best friends, but lived her life like Janis Joplin, and it all caught up with her. She died of a drug overdose after seeing more pain - a brother's death, both parents' deaths, best friend's death - than I could ever imagine, all in the span of about three years. No one was very surprised to see her pass. Most assumed she knew what she was doing when she took the heroin.
Despite all the pain in her life, I remember Janet as a bubbly person, always bursting with energy and laughs. This is probably because she was drunk or stoned a lot, I now realize. My most clear memory of her is a photograph with my sister's parakeet nestled in her toussled mat of hair, a huge grin on her face. She was a neat woman who Heidi and I bestowed the name "Aunt" to.
For some reason, her death hit me today like no other day. Driving past her cemetary and hearing the song brought me back to her raspy, cigarette and whiskey-soaked laugh and her ever-present grin. It made me think of my Aunt Tonja, who also lives her life with something of a carefree abandon. I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, and I miss her. I just can't sit with her and party like my sister can. It just hurts too much.
My freshman year, Jake and I biked out to the cemetary, parked our bikes under a shady maple, and had a pretty intense conversation about death. Now that I think about it, the conversation was in the wake of Janet's death. I'm not good at serious conversations, and really have to trust a person to engage in one. It was at that moment when I knew we'd be good friends for a long time. I miss him, and feel like I really let him down by not attending his baby shower.
In other news, my mother's sister is in the throws of a messy divorce, and I just heard about it today when my mom called and woke me up with the news this morning. My grandmother is really shook up, and my aunt is hiding out at my parents' house over the weekend because the husband is behaving erratically. I'm pretty close to my cousin, who worships the ground I walk on and is in that gawky stage of 8th-grade adolescence right now. I'm driving home tonight, and will see both my aunt and my cousin tomorrow. I feel so sorry for her. I know pretty much everyone deals with divorce in some way, but I've never had it hit as close to home as this right now.
I drove out to see my grandparents today, after receiving this e-mail from them: "Hi Mark--Been a hairy, miserably sad few days. Aunt XXXX and Uncle XXXX are divorcing and it's kinda messy. I suppose all divorces are but when they are so close it's downright gut-wrenching.... Now------as of this minute we don't have anything scheduled for the remainder of the week and we would love to get together with you for a breakfast, lunch, or dinner - OUT and see some of your wonderful smiles and listen to your upbeat attitude. You have a knack for boosting a person's spirits. love and hugs, grandma and grandpa." After getting the e-mail, I drove over there as soon as I could, to see if I might to some of that "spirit boosting" that she spoke of. I don't know if it worked, but they were definitely glad to see me. My grandparents are wonderful, and I feel bad for them right now. Can you see now why I would like to be near them when I move? Unfortunately, Baltimore is nowhere near Venice, FL.
So, it's been an emotional day. I'm dealing with some of my own issues right now - I'm wondering why my ambitions have dampened so much in the last few weeks, and why I'm having such second thoughts about moving away. I'm driving to Baltimore on Saturday with Gale, but have failed so far to muster up much excitement for the trip. Hopefully the long drive home tonight alone will give me plenty of time to think. Actually, I think part of my problem might be too much solitude lately. The trip home will do me good.