2001-06-21
One night funk, posted at 3:15 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." - Ricky Fitts, American BeautySometimes, I feel just like Ricky Fitts. Tonight is one of those nights. I have such a deep need right now for some sort of beauty, something to remind me that I'm alive and loving it. If I wasn't on duty, it'd be a wonderful night for a drive. I had to give a friend a ride out to the parking lot, and took a jaunt around campus after I dropped her off. I listened to Brenda Kahn belt out her take-this-job-and-shove-it anthem "Night" and then her wonderful "In Indiana" , in which the narrator fantasizes about packing her life into a suitcase and taking a taxi the hell out of there. The speakers strained under the bass lines and Brenda's howl as I sang along as if no one was watching. Cuz no one was. I almost kept driving.
I wrote at 4:56pm today that I really hadn't spoken to anyone all day. I still sort of feel like that. I spent the whole day without one real conversation. I spoke with the cashier at the grocery store who was incredulous about vegetarian salami. How can they get it to form that way, she asks incredulously. Lady, what do you think pigs look like after they are killed? I wanted to tell her all about what a pig looks like when it's killed, how it still shakes almost an hour after it's been on the hook and skinned. But I didn't. I also didn't say a word to anyone at the gym. The greeter didn't even say hi. At work, it was all business, except for the lovely supervisee who looked shocked that I was a vegetarian and said - carefully choosing her words - that I looked a bit "thick" to be a vegetarian. Nice euphemism. I shouldn't bitch. She's nice. The job sucks, though. Boring boring boring. Not enough contact with the campers. Staff too whiny. I'm feeling unfulfilled.
My soul is struggling to breathe right now - it's hurting for something. Perhaps it's just a mood. I haven't had contact with anyone I'm close with for some time. I've now got Bob Dylan and "Blood on the Tracks" cranked in my apartment. It's making me want to cry. What an amazing album. I'm not even sure if I could hear the phone if it goes off. It's 3:35am. My schedule is so screwed up. I'm in the mood to watch "Magnolia" but that would just screw me up some more. I can't sleep in until 1 tomorrow - My father is in town tomorrow and we're going to try to do lunch.
Thank god I'm getting out of the building tomorrow. Erin and I are going to the movies. We'll probably see some sort of big box-office crap like "Tomb Raider" or "Pearl Harbor," but at least I'll be away from here. She better not cancel out on me.
Jake and Anne are having their baby shower/first wedding anniversary party on Saturday. Jason can't go. It feels weird to go without him. We got/are getting a gift together. I don't really want to go. I don't like going to parties when I don't know more people than I don't know. Sometimes I like it. But usually I don't. I feel like going home. I miss South Haven. This is the longest I've been away during the summer. I missed Harborfest for the first time ever this year. What a bummer. With its jazz and blues instead of the oldies circuit act they get for the Blueberry Festival and the 4th of July, it was always my favorite summer festival there. And I missed it. I feel like going there on Saturday. But Erin and Gale want to go to the Lake Lansing beach. I miss them. I miss the beach. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my kids at school. I dunno. I need to get out of here. Feeling constrained, unfulfilled, bored, constricted.