2001-05-09
night out, posted at 11:05 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com What an interesting evening.Erin and I went out to the bar, and surprisingly my sort-of quasi-ex-girlfriend went with us. We had a weird relationship that sprang from a pretty great friendship, and it's been awkward ever since the more-than-friends part of our relationship ended. We were involved in the thing for almost a year, and nothing ever has been the same since with her. Unsurprisingly, I suppose. I'm a much happier and more stable person now, and while it's only indirectly related to the end of our relationship, I still feel myself slipping back to that point when I see her.
Anyway, she apparently still has feelings. We were having a pretty normal conversation, then went to her current relationship. It's going fairly well, but he's a hunter and she's an animal rights activist. Big sticking point for both. She then asked me if I had a brother or someone she could be with, says she wishes things were different with us, etc. I hate that feeling. Whenever I see her, I see her disappointment in our relationship never burgeoning into something more. It's sucky to be on both ends of an unrequited love. There's so much pressure. It doesn't help that all our mutual friends think we would be perfect together. Or thought. I think they've dropped it, luckily. But our relationship was never a good idea to begin with, and it's not something I want to revisit.
It's too bad that, as she says, things between us will probably be "eternally awkward." She was a good friend. It makes me sad. I'm not very good with relationships, and I screwed this one up pretty bad. By even starting it. My heart breaks just thinking about it.
Meanwhile, Erin is trying to convince me to live with her here in Lansing. She is being persuasive, offering cheap rent in the condo she's buying and the chance to own a dog. But I don't want to do what feels comfortable. I don't want to settle. I'm going to go out and settle somewhere else for a spell. Charlotte, NC; Tampa, FL; someplace like that.