2001-05-03
I Need Moses, posted at 7:01 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com There is something about visiting Internet chat rooms that makes me desperately lonely. I'm not even sure why I do it. I get sucked into the neverland of it all, and end up consuming far too much time there. Of course, there is no there there. Here it is, beautiful outside, and I'm online. What's wrong with me? Why am I trying to lap up some dregs of human contact when I see hundreds of people everyday and basically a complete and fulfilled life??Hmmm... maybe it's because everything's not so complete and fulfilled, eh? Or maybe just because I'm feeling slightly sorry for myself, which is likely the case. It's been a fairly lonely week. I'm teaching and loving it, but all the other interns are gone and I miss seeing them every day. I haven't seen any of my friends all week, except for Dave, and hanging out with Dave is not really a cure for loneliness. He's trying to get a job in Germany, and I think he'll get it. Erin - where is Erin these days? Did I see her this week? I can't remember. It's all blurring together. I think I actually did see her this week, though. I don't think the issue is lack of contact, but rather quality of contact. I feel like I'm at a huge point in my life right now, but time is going to quickly for me to do anything about it or spend more quality time with friends. A Kroger trip is fun, but it's not the post-getting-my-teaching-certification celebration that I was hoping for. I went out with the people I worked with in the dorms all year, and we ended up talking about movies and television. Not that I mind talking about that. I'm just frustrated by the fact that I have all these surface relationships with people but nothing deep. There are maybe four friends in my life that I can guarantee will remain my friends in five years. Jake, Jason, Gale, Erin. Is there anyone else? Is there anyone else who I have connected with in a way that is lasting? If so, why do I feel such a lack of connection right now?
Speaking of people I hope I'm at least connected to five years from now, I saw D. today. I've got a pretty heavy crush right now on her, I guess you could say. I haven't felt this way in a while. Still, I don't want to mess anything up. The last time I kissed a friend, everything went downhill with both my personal feelings and my friendship. And I'm on the verge of moving, so timing is really off. I'm probably far too much of a planner rather than a spontaneous person when it comes to manners of the heart. I feel like I can leave this old Mark behind when I move to my new locale. Leave Mark and his extra weight and baggage - both literal and figurative - behind.
Speaking of which, I ran 40 minutes without stopping the other day, which is my personal record.
Despite the general whininess of this entry, life is good. The highlight of my week, arguably, has been my purchase of the new Melissa Ferrick CD. I'm amazed by her riveting cover of Patty Griffin's wonderful song "Moses." She took something incredibly personal and made it her own - the song rocks. I must have listened to it 25 times in the last day and a half. "Diamonds, Roses / I need Moses / To cross this sea of loneliness and part this red river of pain." Okay, so I guess the lyrics make it seem like I'm going off the deep end. But this is the line I'm connecting with most: "I need a little place in the sunshine sometimes or I think I would die." Wow. That's pretty much how I felt all winter, and now that it is beautiful out, I'm realizing how wonderful it is. What a great song. Amazing.
The new Weezer song rocks, too.