Monday, Nov. 29, 2004
How to Fart if You're a Teacher, posted at 4:45 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Sometimes, when a teacher makes tofu pad thai with spinach and jalapenas the night before, his stomach feels a little queasy the next day. Sometimes, he may find himself feeling a little flatulent.Here are some tips:
If it happens, it happens. You tried to hold it in all class, and then you just had to let it go. Luckily, it was still at the silent stage and no kids heard. But, damn, it sure smells much worse than you could have predicted. But, you must never under any circumstances reveal that you smell anything. Pretend like it didn't happen. Don't run right over to the door right when it occurs. Shuffle some papers. Stare intently at the computer screen. Read a quiz. A minute or so later, mosey on over to the door. If there's a disturbance in the hallway, that's even better - you were checking on that, not trying to escape the area where you let the smell linger.
Then, wait a bit. Make sure you can answer, "I don't know, I was in the hallway" when you return and there are any farting accusations. Return to the area. If the kids are taking an Odyssey quiz and are dead silent, try to gauge the nonverbals of kids in the front row. Any nose wrinkling? Looking around? If not, you're probably okay. However, you know that if one of them asked about it, you probably couldn't refrain from laughing or giggling like a 6th grader. So make sure they do not know. Then, inch over the window and open it a little. It doesn't matter that it's November 29 and it's freezing outside. The class needs some fresh air. That's right, some fresh air.
Splash some hand sanitizer on your hands. If it's the dollar store kind that has a heavy Ajax odor, even better, because if you're still noticing the stench, you've got to imagine that it's a pretty bad one and the kids will, or do, as well. Refrain from putting it on your arms and face, though. That would just make a scene.
Don't let it happen again during class. I know that one was an accident, and thankfully a silent one, but it just shouldn't happen. Instead, wait for all the kids to file out. Hopefully a colleague doesn't walk in right after all the kids leave, wanting to use the phone that is right in the farting zone. If that happens, though, you can just blame it on the kids that just left. "I know! We were wondering about that smell all period!"
Go home at 3:40, as soon as you can chase all the kids out. You've got some business to do in the bathroom.
And that's how to fart if you're a teacher