Thursday, Sept. 02, 2004
Not a very good entry. A ramble, really, posted at 6:08 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com I got about five hits today for the search words "diaryland baltimore," and when I got to my e-mail box, I had - in addition to what appears will be a very helpful e-mail from DaBrettman - I also had an e-mail from a Baltimore Sun reporter about interviewing me for an article on online journals. Aarghh... I don't know.Obviously there's part of me that wants other people to understand me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have kept up with this thing for five years, for 1037 posts, across state lines, over sometimes serious emotional peaks and valleys. I enjoy this. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy the half-intereaction that I have with readers of this site. It just goes down to that basic human need to communicate, to want to be understood.
But, this isn't something that I freely admit to people I really know. I understand that if, say, my prinipal found this site by accident, then I would probably immediately have to take it down - and that's probably not all. While I think anyone who reads this site can see that I'm a caring teacher, that I take my job seriously and genuinely enjoy it, they would also see plenty of other parts of me that are not very professional. My bar trips. My whiny body image issues. My working stupid hours at a restaurant to pay off stupid student loans. My adolescent take on relationships. There's not a whole lot here, other than the job and still what I hope comes across as a basic and genuine enjoyment with life, most of the time, that I'm proud of.
When my co-worker found this journal last year on accident and came in with a grin saying he had found my "diary" (hate that word to describe it, and, yes, I know the name of this stupid site), it freaked me out. I went offline for a month. But I had to come back. I missed it. I think some co-workers read still because of that day, but I try not to think about it. It's not like I badmouth people on here, except on very rare occasions. It's almost all about me.
I've given the address to some folks, and I sometimes regret it, but that's uaully only when I see the person regularly. If that happens, I feel too vulnerable around them. Like, I can get pretty fucking personal on here. Especially during August. This August was sort of rough, and last August was horrible, and you all heard about it. Every uncomfortable detail. I once read a description of this site on someone's page. It said, "Don't you just want to give him a hug and let him know it's going to all be alright?" Sometimes, I feel like the journaling does that.
I'm now happy as hell, by the way. School agrees with me. That's why I'm all about an all-year school year.
I am a social but shy person. In conversations, I feel like I can rarely get a word in because I'm too polite to interrupt and need reflection time before answering. Journaling helps with this. I say things sometimes that I write in here. I like it for that reason alone. I also like to use it as a tool to reflect on my teaching practice, and as just a record of my life.
I'd hate to be discovered by people at work, or enough where I'd have to shut this down. I'd especially hate to be discovered by a student, because there are certainly things in here that I'd never want them to know. I did get discovered by a former student after she had graduated from out school, and I decided to pretend I didn't know. That's pretty much what I do. I pretend others that might know just don't know.
Then there's some people who I just want to know more about me. My friend Neil, when he moved away and I didn't have the awkwardness of seeing him every day, received the address from me once he moved to England. I think it's helped us keep in touch a bit. Erin and Gale still read from Michigan, and I'm still okay with that.
I don't know. It's weird. I don't know about this interview thing, either. Part of me just craves more and more readership, but other parts of me don't want the risk. I dread my new principal googling something and coming up with my site. Hmmm. Maybe I should just take off my pictures or something.