Epiphany in Baltimore

Saturday, Jul. 17, 2004

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

I'm lazy and didn't make it to Artscape. Maybe tomorrow night. Instead, I headed to the gym after work, then came back home and applied for readmission to Michigan State University to complete my Masters in the Art of Curriculum and Teaching.

I'm still unclear if it's what I really want. I'd like to finish my Masters while I'm young and single - the pay bump alone is worth that - and spending six weeks in France next summer is something I shouldn't pass up. Still, I'd have to take a few semesters of online courses, starting this fall, and adding something else to my life while trying to save money for a trip to France seems difficult.

There's also the fact that I'm basically pretty lonely and can't spend another year of my life without making some progress in finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. The John Lennon quote - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" - has been ringing in my ears lately. Like, right now I plan on getting back into the dating scene once I feel a bit better about myself, which I think will come when I feel like I look a little better - namely, I want to lost the nearly 20 pounds I've gained this year. After losing 110 pounds, my year of 100-hour work weeks and eye surgeries and have softened me a bit, literally, and I want to get that weight back to 185-190 instead of the current 212. I should probably even take down my before & after pictures since now it's more like "before, and after, and after that".

Anyhow, so I want to get more fit. But in my hard of hearts, I know that this is just another excuse from a man who has made too many since last August. I'm feeling pretty good right now, but one day away from the gym sends me into a tailspin of four or five days, and it's been a cycle like that for a while now. Therefore, I'm trying to make it my goal not to miss one day for the rest of the summer. And not to eat anything, ever, at the gourmet restaurant I work at (instead, I pack stuff like peanut butter to maintain my three meals/three snacks diet). That includes mistaken order pierogies and our excellent vegetarian soups.

So my workouts and my weight is my current obsession. I've been planning out my meals and snacks the day before, and I've been sticking to it. Granted, it's only been four days. But as long as I maintain my "hunger is only a result of poor planning" doctrine, I should be fine.

I feel like once this is taken care of - once I'm again at in a consistent life style that allows me to work out every day, eat healthily, and maintain a weight of right around 190 - then I can be ready to get back to dating.

Right now, there are two women in my life that I am officially interested in. By "interested," I mean I can imagine dating her or even more, but I haven't done a damn thing about either. One has the same initials as me. Initial and I found ourselves at the same bar, Ropewalk, on Tuesday night when I was babysitting my little sister and her crazy partying pals. I've known her for a year or so, she's a teacher and is on my co-ed softball team. We talked for a while, then this other guy who is a regular there (yup, she's another teacher/server) came and joined our conversation and wouldn't leave. It was fine, but I came close to asking her out if it weren't for him. I just couldn't think of what to say. It wasn't until later that I came up with the brilliant, "Hey, what do you say we go out to Artscape on Saturday night?" I didn't say it, though, and instead I'm at home on Saturday night, typing into the lavender Diaryland screen.

By the way, how in the hell did I ever choose an online journaling site that looks to be marketed to teenage girls? My gosh. This is entry #995, though, so I suppose it's too late. I don't think many of the others existed five years ago when I started this one.

The other girl is Renee. I've talked about Renee many, many times. She went to the Orioles game with my sister, her friends, my lesbian friends, and I last weekend. After leaving us, my sister talked about how perfect she was for me, and why in the world am I not with her? I'm not sure. The timing was off when I moved here. Now it seems like the timing has passed. And there's possibly weird family stuff involved - I know her mom pretty well, as well as her sister. Plus, I just feel guilty when I'm around her, guilty that nothing ever happened between us, guilty about words unspoken, guilty because something should have happened, probably, and it hasn't (didn't?).

I'm the king of excuses. This is why I just think I need fresh starts with people I don't know, but I want to put the svelte Epiphany forward, not the pudgy one. Therefore, I'm working out with a vengeance. And making tons of excuses why I'm lonely when, really, I know it's all my own damn fault.

I don't know. Give me until the end of the summer, when I'm feeling normal again and back on schedule.