Epiphany in Baltimore

Monday, Aug. 04, 2003

Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com

I'm back in Baltimore now, and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. While in Michigan, the thought kept crossing my mind about how, here, my money problems don't seem as pronounced, how all those collectors can't find me here. It's silly, of course, but I still felt like a fresh start was exactly what I needed.

As I stepped into my house at 11pm, my purring cat jumping into my arms, I thought about what a crappy house I live in. The fact that my ex-rommate cleaned all his stuff out on Saturday didn't help (I'm still crossing my fingers that he won't screw me up, because as much as burning his mail is a threat, especially with our post office's shoddy forwarding job, I don't think it's worth the $325 he owes me.) The basement/my bedroom's walls are growing mold, badly, because the landlord won't fix the leak in the basement. The walls are chipped. The carpets are dirty. But I can't financially see making the decision the move out. My rent is so cheap right now - in the area of either $150 to $250, depending on my roommate situation - and the $200-$300 a month I'm saving has to be worth the hassles of finding roommates every few months. Right?

I leave Michigan fairly content, even confident, about my longrange financial plans. I'm not going to file for bancruptcy. Instead, I'm going to do what a friend suggested, and ask my parents to consolidate my credit card debt onto one of their 0% interest cards. I'll pay the minimum balance, and be able to concentrate on the $452/month student loan payments. My car represents my major hurdle. I just can't afford it. My car insurnace will expire on Aug. 9 again if I don't produce $457, and I go to court on Aug. 18 for the last time it happened. At this point, I don't think there's a whole lot they could do to me that would matter. Take my car? Thanks. Suspend my license? Even better. I'm going to shop around today for cheaper insurance, but don't have the money to make the first payment. I've got to do some research about what it would take to sell my car. I still owe about $9,000 on it, and am currently two payments behind, and hitting the curb last December (which the insurance company won't fix) produced a lot of damage to it - damage that can't be fixed without a professional. Airbags cost $3200 to fix. I obviously cannot produce that kind of money. I would love - love - to be able to sell my car, but at this point, I'd be taking a huge hit on it, financially - I'd still owe thousands of dollars on it, with the damage that it's incurred in my ownership. It looks beautiful still, has less than 50,000 miles, and it runs like a dream. But it's way too expensive to keep at $700 a month, but I don't think I have any other options. I can't not pay insurance, even if I put my car in blocks in my garage (I would do this in a second, if I could, and just pay the car payment). I'm not sure where to go. It's about to be repossessed (I assume this happens after three missed car payments, and unless a financial miracle occurs, this will probably happen), so the choice might be made for me.

I've made so many bad financial decisions in the last year, it's not even funny. But, it's weird, every one I had strong justification for. The $392 car payment was okay, because I only paid $150 in rent, and it was a beautiful car that I wouldn't have to worry about for years. I never missed car payments on my last car, which I paid off totally. How things change.

The mail I had in a pile on my living room floor when I arrived contained only hints of bad news - the insurance cancellation notification, set for Aug. 9, and a notice from the post office that I missed the delivery of a registered letter. I assume that might be from the guy who's suing me, so I won't be going to the post office to pick it up. I'm going to make them work damn hard. But, again, not too worried about that, because what could they take? The worst case scenario is that they win and take my wages, but I'm much more worried about the Federal Loan people taking those wages than lying dogbite man. Besides, the truth and ethics are on my side, even if a lawyer isn't.

I'm unflappable, though.

****

The trip to Michigan was good. It was relatively stress free, as I got to bond with my sister and cousin, and see some old friends. I got a little swimmer's ear that turned into an ear infection towards the end of the trip, preventing any chance to see Polishstreak or attend my other cousin's wedding reception, but I'm stil satisfied with it.

****

I wrote my first short story the other day. Inspired partly by a friend who got his short story published on-line, I wrote up a fictionalized account of the night I was sexually harassed by my 43-year old co-worker. Looking over it a couple days later, it's full of new writer's cliches - shoddy first person Salinger-esque narration, cigarette smoking as a way to add depth to characters - and I couldn't think of any way for my characters to bask in epiphanic dew at the end other than them having sex, which I didn't want, but it was heading directly there. This is probably because it's been at least two months since I've even come close to having sex, and that Hopkins student was pretty disappointing, so it's probably on the brain now. Even though the results of the short story were only mediocre, I rattled off some cool lines, and, who knows, maybe I'll become that cliche of the English teacher with the half finished novel in his desk drawer.

****

Speaking of novels, I'm finally done with In the Time of Butterflies, which I enjoyed, and listened to Toni Morrison's Sula the whole way home. It was only my second Morrison - after Beloved - and I had such varying opinions of it. At times, I nearly sobbed at the beauty of the language, which surged with metaphors just as beautiful as Hurston's. At other times, I was disappointed with the novel's tangential, cluttered narrative. And, what's the deal, does Morrison always write novels about crazy women who do crazy things that the author attempts to justify through the rest of the novel? Overall I enjoyed it, though. I started listening to The Secret Lives of Dogs after Sula, and it's just as fascinating as I thought it would be.

****

I'm off to find a job, make a bunch of phone calls, and hope that my situation gets better. I'm working every day this week, so that's good.