Wednesday, May. 14, 2003
Untitled, posted at 9:17 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com On the way home from the gym tonight, I took a brief sojourn away from my recent steady diet of the hip-hop of 92Q (Banging B-More with More Hip-Hop and R&B!) and switched over to a straight up pop station, 106.5. Edie Brickell's "What I Am," a song that is almost fifteen years old and was one of the first radio singles I remember liking, was on. I rolled down my windows and let the stereo blare, singing loudly while speeding down Northern Parkway.I needed that moment.
Today was not a good day. Last night, I was alone with my thoughts for the first time in a while, and I started to get really sad about the whole situation with the girl in Michigan. It carried over into today, so much so that my kids noticed my morose mood (I complimented her on her proper use of a vocabulary word) and Boston Betty sat down to talk with me, saying "You're not your usual self." She said some things that really helped, in a way, giving me a new way to look at the situation, that it's good I didn't really become part of the pattern that she's in. But it was also sad to hear certain things about someone you care about. I was just sad all day, with a physical pain in my chest and a lump in my throat. The events didn't even happen last night, and I still haven't talked with her, but for some reason it all came together in my mind last night and I just can't seem to shake the thoughts. It's probably because baseball season is over and I actually have some time to think. I feel betrayed, even though I don't have that much of a right to be. I do wonder why she would say all the things she said if they meant nothing, or, if they did mean something, why they dissipated in a matter of weeks. I wonder why we continued to talk all the time without her telling me anything. I always thought I was a bad communicator about matters of the heart, but not this time. I'm confused and shocked, bitter and dejected. It just really sucks. I'm not used to this feeling.
I need to get my mind off of it. Even though it's not a breakup, it feels like one. And, in a way, it's probably worse, because just two months ago I thought this was perfection, and just six months ago, she was my best friend in the world. It's all fucked up now. It's just very, very sad, and I'm very hurt. This was me being vulnerable, being open, and it blew up in my face.
I even called Jason tonight, wanting to hear someone's voice on the outside. He's always the go-to friend about girls, though I probably shouldn't be taking his advice about anything any more, I still wanted some reassurance, something. I think the easiest thing for me to do is just chalk this up not to me, not even to her, but to the distance. It just wasn't meant to be - wrong time, wrong place. Maybe she'll decide to return my calls again some night when she's drunk, and we'll talk about it. I'm not sure what else to do.
My downer of a mood started from the beginning this morning. I woke up about fifteen minutes late, not wanting to drag my sorry ass out of bed. I got dressed to go to the gym, drove all the way out to Towson, and then just sat in the parking lot after I stopped my car. I turned down Howard Stern (one of my personality traits that I'm not particularly proud of) and just sat in silence for a second, debating whether to go in. I eventually got out, began gathering my gym bag and water bottle, but then couldn't find my wallet. Instead of getting in a tiff with the girl behind the counter, I decided to just turn around. That was all the excuse I needed. Instead of going to the gym, I ended up at a bagel place, bought a mildly unhealthy breakfast and drove into school.
At school, I decided that I would take my first ever personal day on Thursday. I need to finish my portfolio, and teaching is not something to do when you're feeling down in the dumps, anyway. I filled out the necessary paperwork, but my supervisor came by later and told me that four people had already requested off for tomorrow and it would be very difficult for me to do so. I told her that I needed to finish my portfolio, and she gave me an extension. This is a good thing, but it still irks me that I have the best attendance record in the department yet cannot get a freaking day off when I really want one. But, she's right. I shouldn't be spending a day off doing shit for school. She told me she wants me to take one and drive away from the city for a day, having some time just for me.
The kids were also loud today, and I just wasn't in the mood. Eventually I realized I was feeling too sorry for myself (I was imagining myself as Charlie Brown with a perpetual rain cloud over his head), and needed to try to make the best of it. I left school about three minutes after the bell rang, came home, and took a nap. I was exhausted. I got up later and went to the gym, which was a step in the right direction. I forgot about my issues a bit there, though I did quit my run a little early because I couldn't focus.
Tomorrow will be a better day. It will. I feel better already.