Sunday, Feb. 02, 2003
My indecision is palpable, posted at 11:20 a.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com Right now, I'm feeling very confused about where I should relationships with people.I am not one of those people that believes there is one person for everybody. I don't. I believe that falling in love and making something work out over a longterm is a huge combination of person, place, and time. I do not believe there is some woman in Portland or in Michigan who is my soulmate; rather, I feel like there are hundreds of possible soulmates and I've just got to meet one of them at the right time.
I might have met someone three years ago that would have been perfect for me, but my sorry state at that time wouldn't have let anyone in to know me. Now is different, though. I'm confident. I'm happy. I'm a catch. :)
Well, it looks like she, the one I've been writing about, is getting a wonderful job in Michigan. A dream job. If I could transplant it to Baltimore, I would. But I can't. I think more than ever that this has made me realize that our opening on the time/space continuum is drifting farther away. I have no plans to move from here, at least not in the next two years. I am feeling more and more confident with my job, and I want to see at least one freshmen class graduate and go all the way through. I am feeling a great deal of appreciation from my school, as well. I have acquired a reputation as a teacher who does not give up on his students, who does whatever he cans to make sure as many pass as possible. In one of my classes last semester, 94% of my student passed the final written by the city. 94 percent of my students - the lowest level kids in the school - passed. Other teachers' numbers are around 10 percent. The thing is, as soon as I see a kid struggling, I'm on his or her ass. I only failed 3 out of my 70+ students. I try innovative things in my classroom - student centered approaches that are risky but that I get applauded for. My department head calls me the "king of extracurriculars." They love me at school. The feeling is mutual. I'm not leaving.
I am thinking more and more about Renee. Last night, we were all out, and Renee knew the answer to a dumb joke I told. We all laughed, and she slapped my knee. Kristin leaned over and said, "You gotta ask her out." I don't know, though. I am sure that she wants this relationship to go farther than it is right now. I am not sure if I can pursue it, though. My heart is still a little separated. I don't think it's fair to ask a good friend - a person that it would be impossible to take it slow with, because we already know quite a bit about each other - to step into something that I am torn about. I don't want any weirdness to reside between us. I know her family and her work friends. I'm just not sure I should get involved with her when I'm not sure about something that is back in Michigan.
That being said, I do want to date. I came within an inch of asking a girl out on Friday night - a cute nursing student with a nosering and an easy smile - until I found out she was a junior in college. A bit too young for this old man. I wouldn't have minded taking her by her upper hips - my new favorite part of a girl, the place just below her waist on her sides where her hipbones come out - and guiding her close to me for a long kiss. She was beautiful in her ordinariness. I am moving past hookups and flings and am looking beyond that. And she was still in college, an entire world separate from mine.
I'm so picky.
I don't know what I want.
I feel like I'm at the age where I should be looking at serious prospects more than casual flings.
Off to the gym... I want to read Of Mice and Men today because I don't think I've read it since Fall 2001 and need to refresh it in my mind because I hate not remembering all the little details.