2001-10-13
Alone in a big city, posted at 12:13 p.m.
Epiphany in Baltimore has moved to epiphanyinbaltimore.blogspot.com "... And those that had money looked good but weren't too happy. And those who didn't have money didn't look so good And weren't too happy either and in a city of three million two hundred and sixty nine thousand nine hundred eighty four Everyone was lonely..." - Dan Bern, "Wasteland"My plans to make friends last night failed miserably. I thought that going to the home football game would be a way to meet up with some fellow young teachers and then perhaps do something afterwards. Thus, I made plans to attend that evening. As I was leaving school, however, I noticed that the parking lot was full and throngs of people were around the school and football field. The football game, instead of starting at 7pm like it did in my hometown, started at 3:45. It was about 3:35 by this point, so I rushed home to get Jason (who I knew would also be alone tonight, and I knew he would want to go to the game). We got back there a bit after 4pm, and weaved our way through the crowd to find some good seats.
The game was fun, but any success in finding others besides my students was pretty limited. I said Hi to a few teachers I knew in passing, but none of the folks that I know well enough to elevate to the level of B-level friend - J, Patty, Neil - were present. Finally, I saw J, who was busy helping out with concessions. He came over and shook my hand and asked me how things were going, but had to return to whatever he was doing. Patty, a 30-ish spitfire Health teacher who I have seen at some other social gatherings at J's house and is always very nice to me, had invited me earlier to sit with them at the game. Well, I couldn't find her until the very end of the game, when she said, "Hey, you going over to J's house later?". I said, "I didn't know anything about that." She got that look on her face that you get when you know you shouldn't have said someone to somebody, and then she said, "Well, he *just* told me, I think it's an unplanned thing. You should come." Now, J has said that I could come over everytime, but I didn't want to just go over there without being invited. So I hung around the game a little bit longer than I wanted to, hoping (to be honest, I was almost praying at this point - I really wanted to go) I would see him and he would invite Jason and I to his house for his quick little get-together. But I never saw him again. I hoped that when we returned home, he would call or something, but he didn't.
And I feel so dumb for dwelling over little things like this. But I really think that if he had wanted me to come, he would have told me when I had seen him. Yeah, maybe he forgot. Maybe he couldn't find me. I don't know. Friends have always happened fairly naturally for me before, but it has not been the case here thus far. I feel like I felt like when I was in high school, when I was longing for the cool kids to ask me to do stuff with them. It never happened then, and I never did cool stuff until college. Have I reverted?
So, last night, Jason and I stayed at home alone with the dog. I rented "Bridget Jones' Diary," and the two of us did about three shots each of various-flavored Puckers that Hugasoul and Paul had gotten me for my b-day. Let me pause as you get the image in your head of two twenty-four year old swinging bachelors living in a big city sitting at home alone on a Friday night getting drunk on Pucker while watching Bridget Jones Diary. Ugh.
We didn't start the movie until after 9pm - we had thought that "our soap," Pasadena, was on, but it was pre-empted for an "America's Most Wanted" special - and so we watched "Bridget Jones" for about an hour, until we were bored of its cutesy humor and slow pace. We then put in Magnolia, which I was in the mood to see again because I felt depressed and lonely and needed to see characters who were more depressed and lonely than myself swimming around in a film that brims over with the type of unabashed emotion that I long to feel. Or, more accurately, to express. Jason had never seen it, and he loved it. But despite my aforementioned comment, we didn't end up getting drunk. We had more alcohol in the house, and I was trying to think of an appropriate drinking game to play to Magnolia (every time you hear an Aimee Mann song? Every time someone yells? Every time a parent does something mean to their child?), but we were too listless to get up and get it, so we melted into our respective couches and watched the film. Both of us were exhausted, so we turned it off at the 90-minute mark, just in time to see some Letterman and then head off to bed, with the film set to be continued tonight some time.Actually, I'm hoping we'll have more exciting options tonight, although I'm not sure we will. Jessica, the lone friend I've had any going-out fun with so far here in B-more, lives in DC and may have plans. I gave her a call last night, and the cell phone cut off before we could speak. But I know she knows that I called, and I'm afraid that a call-back today will seem desperate. Jason and I may have to go out ourselves, but both of us believe we'll have much more fun if we can just get someone else to join us. Plus, we're sniping at each other a bit, definitely the result of spending too much time together. Jason told me yesterday he feels like he's on a long boring vacation and not like this is his home, and I concur - the connections we've made are all superficial. Jason - who was unusually quotable last night - also boiled it down to this: "But you have to admit, Mark, other than our social life, everything is perfect. We've got a great house, a good dog, good jobs, and it's an awesome city. All we need now is friends."
(If you missed it, Jason, after quitting his teaching job after a month, was hired as a counselor at an alternative youth school/detention center last week. He doesn't start for a couple of weeks and the pay is crummy, but he's happy and I'm proud of him.)
I've been trying to find a good concert to go to tonight, so at least if we go out to a bar we'll have the concert to look at so it doesn't seem like we went out just because we were desperate for social interaction. Jill Sobule is playing at Towson University (10 minutes from my house) on Tuesday night, and I'm definitely going there; too bad it's not tonight though.